Nora Kinkaid Wants Her Life Back

Darkness In Me

Back in New York, I feel the gravity of having passed a milestone. I think it's alright to not know how it is going to work out. And with whom it will work out. I am okay out here on my own. I have actually stopped feeling lonely which is a great place to be. I'm letting my wounds heal. I'm letting my heart heal and to stay in the place of arrival for the time being. It feels content to be where I am. Almost as if I am on a trip and have nowhere to be and no one to meet. For the first time ever I have no expectations that I will meet someone. My heart is doing the work of untangling from everyone both big and small. If anything this is a heart's journey not the mind. If my mind ran this, I would be driving myself crazy. Since my heart is doing its thing I am sitting in the glow of having experienced profound love and being grateful that I could experience it in the first place. It goes so much deeper than Oliver. It's the thought that I was able to heal through the pain of running from affection and love and deliberately stopping myself and breaking the pattern. I ask for the courage to see this journey through in its entirety.

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The question I ask myself a lot is, how do you handle a fight with something you can't see? How do you handle a fight with something that's inside of you and not outside of you? Honestly, you don't. If you're anything like me, you get brought down by the Darkness until you find the strength to fight again and with great force you push it out of you until there's no more room for it.

A lot of Darkness left me because I didn't have room to harbor it anymore. I had no more room for fear and doubt. That's what Darkness preys on. Fear and doubt. I've been carrying those two things for so long I forgot what it was like to live without them. The moment I got rid of them an interesting thing happened. I remembered stuff I had buried way down there with all the other fear I was carrying. It wasn't until I started facing Darkness that I realized I had a lot of it in me. It wasn't just the non-light beings and the energetic realms. It was good old fashioned Darkness in the physical realm that got to me.

I didn't ask for it. It's important you know that. The only thing I've ever asked for is love. But I haven't been able to get it from partners. I've tried, Spry knows I've tried. But it hasn't been easy. It's always felt harder for me and it's because I've got this weight of Darkness sitting in my belly. There is so much shame sitting in there sometimes I don't know what to do with it.

I mean I know what to do with it. You don't heal from shame, you eradicate it. I think that is why Oliver and I didn't work. I felt so much shame about who I was, what I was going through and who I had become that I physically couldn't be confident, happy or healthy for long periods of time.

Shame chokes the living right out of you. It's a feeling so pervasive that it's poisonous to the soul. Think about how people physically shrink when they experience shame. It's a taking emotion. It doesn't give you anything in return.

I'm trying to eradicate it. I really am. Me writing this down, forcing Darkness into the light gives Shame nowhere to hide. It's okay now. I'm okay now. I know you're worried. I would be worried too but I'm alright. I've learned how to handle it. I know the all the coping mechanisms, some great, some not so great.

I know what it feels like to unearth a trauma that you didn't know you had and then be confused by what to do with it. But I promise you I'm okay. I wouldn't be writing this if I wasn't. You wouldn't be reading this at all if I wasn't.