Nora Kinkaid Wants Her Life Back

The Thing About Darkness

It won't matter if I learn you're still together or not. If you're moving to New York or just passing through. It doesn't matter because I already know the answer to the ultimate question of "did I love you" and the answer is "yes, but." Yes, but it wasn't working. I found you boring sometimes. I felt out of sync with you. I wanted the one I searched for. When we met we both got our jaded selves and I can't change that. I'm glad you're happy or at least happier.

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I get the shakes at night now. I don't mean I have nightmares. I mean I get the shakes. Last night I woke up because I was shaking so violently I shook myself back into reality. I wasn't in the energetic realm. I was in Darkness. I was shaking and could see myself from up above. In this nightmare type state, I got up to tell my mom that I was scared, something was wrong. When I opened my bedroom door someone put a cloth over my mouth and grabbed me by the top of my head. They laid me backwards but I shook myself awake. I can feel the spot where they grabbed me.

When you write about Darkness, you have to be okay with the consequences. I should be honest and tell you I haven't slept for weeks. It's not just the wires and the receiver and the video device watching me sleep. It's this, it's all of this. I'm trying to eradicate Darkness from my soul. I'm doing the work. I'm going in and I'm unearthing all the unpleasant things once and for all. But I'm fighting with myself because I'm disrupting the tranquility of avoidance. When I write I feel my brain tense up. The skin around my eyes gets pulled back and my vision goes blurry. My body literally is rebelling against me telling you this story. But I have to. I have to get rid of Darkness once and for all.

It only has power if I continue to let it. Isn't that the way it works? For the most part I believe that. Other times it feels like it has all the power regardless of my permission. It feels like it seeps into every aspect of me with such force that I'm left weakened by its presence. Sometimes its feeling like my legs are giving out from under me. Other times, when I go temporarily blind, it feels like I'm trapped in a storm of my own making. You see, regardless of what happens to my body I am always left with my thoughts. Darkness sits there. That's why I need to get it out.

I'm still not quite sure how. I thought writing would help. Eradicating it from inside of me and all that. But I have to tell you. I didn't expect it to be this hard. I can go from feeling energized and alert to so sullen that I think this might break me. I thought my soul was strong enough for this but it might not be. When I go to bed at night I try to ignite my aura like Tess said. I picture this bright yellow light coming out of me from behind my belly button. It's supposed to get larger until it takes over my whole being and forms a protective shield around my body. It's what I use to keep the non-light beings away while I sleep. But lately, I try really hard and it doesn't work. It's like I can't ignite my inner light. So when I go to bed, I feel the non-light beings swirling around me. It feels like they're waiting to me to slip into the unconscious so they can wreak havoc. That's how the nightmare about suffocation happened. That's why I sometimes wake up and breathe heavily. My heart is racing and I think I might pass out.

I lay there and I wait for my heart to slow down. I don't sit up until I'm sure I have my bearings. I'm terrified that if I sit up before I'm sure I'm back in this reality that I'll come face to face with Darkness or one of its entities. Like I will sit up in bed and there it will be staring back at me. The left side of my heart hurts writing about this. It feels like an old wound. It's as if my heart remembers what it feels like to be injured by Darkness.

This injury is old, years old. I don't always know if it's a good idea to open all wounds. I imagine it's a lot like picking a scab. It's mindless and you don't think much about the consequence. But it's too late now. I can't stop this journey. If I do, Darkness wins.

I wonder what Oliver will think about this. He doesn't know I'm writing it. I never thought about asking permission because it's really not about him. It's about me. Every once and awhile I picture him coming across this story. He'll see my name in big letters at the bottom of a poster in Barnes and Noble or something. He was always a big reader. He'll pause at the table and think, "that can't be the same Nora Kinkaid can it?" and when he flips it over, he will see my headshot. He'll be shocked and maybe proud. He was always proud of me. It was one of the things I loved about him.

I'm not sure what happens after that. If he picks up this book I imagine he'll be upset, even furious. If he picks up another one of mine he probably wouldn't even bother reading it. It has nothing to do with him. But if he happened to pick up this one and read what you've been reading, I'm sure he would have some cross words for me.

I mean, I've never seen Oliver mad. So maybe cross is just what I anticipate him being. Maybe he would be disappointed. Yes that feels better. I think he would be disappointed in me. Not because I am a published author, he would never take that from me. He would be disappointed that I didn't tell him what I was writing.

I hope he would be understanding that I did the best I could. I know it wasn't enough but I tried. It was the best I could do at the time with what I had. If it's any consolation, I know he did the best he could too or more like the best he wanted to. I accept that. He did the best he wanted to.

I guess that's all we could ask of each other. Can you do the best you can for me? Can you try for me? Those are the questions I asked of Oliver and they're the same ones I'm asking of myself now. I'm trying, I just don't know how long I can keep this fight up for.