Nora Kinkaid Wants Her Life Back

Left Eye Pressure

You know he played such a large role. But my larger take away from the year is how strong I had to be because I had no option. I was strong when I had no choice and now I am saying goodbye to that version of me. That version that was her own demon. I am not ashamed of how much I loved him because that was the greatest blessing of this year. I learned what it meant to be loved and cared for. What it was possible to feel like in a relationship. It was something I didn't know was possible. I am so happy I got to experience that. Yes this year was a shit show but how fucking lucky was I to be loved by someone so true and purely good. That was the greatest gift of the entire year. I would go through it all again if it meant experiencing love like that because it showed me - he showed me what I desired. What I hadn't been asking for until then and what I ask for now.

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Somewhere between fainting in my boss's office and waking up after Cheryl's, the vision in my left eye started going out again. I don't mean seeing black spots I mean a full blackout for minutes at a time. Let me tell you, if you want to learn fear, just go from seeing to being temporarily blind for a few minutes and that'll fix you right up. The temporary blindness was unexplainable. It would come and go. I'd sit at work and try to pay attention in meetings and my eye would just stop working. Now, I think it had just seen too much. I kept pushing myself to work harder, to not let this affect me. I went to work, I ignored the throbbing pain in my left eye and I rested for the whopping twenty-four hours I allowed myself to do so. A few days later I woke up and I couldn't see.

You know, even then I would love to say I freaked out. It probably would have helped. It would have made me feel the slightest bit better to release some of the stress I was apparently carrying. I think I just internalized it. I put this fear right down into my soul with the attack. I deliberately ignored it. When I woke up and realized my left eye didn't work, I had a cup of coffee. I ate breakfast, packed a bag for the hospital and took an uber to Mass Eye and Ear.

I went in and out of the waiting room three times before I saw a doctor. I was calm. They checked my vitals and sent me back out. They had me meet with a nurse and sent me back out. They shone bright lights in my eyes and sent me back out. When I finally got into an exam room it was bright, hot and loud and I started feeling unwell. But what is there really to say? Everyone in an ER is unwell. So I sat for a half hour until I was seen and when they started the exam they shut off all the lights and shone flashed lights into my eyes once again. When they turned the lights back on, the left side of my face drooped. Eyelid and mouth just started sliding towards my shoulder. I wasn't passing out, my muscles had stopped working. This is when I felt what I imagine must be fear. I still feel it as I write this. It doesn't feel scary. In fact it doesn't feel like any fear I know. In my body it feels like utter weakness. Everything in me feels weak and unmanageable. My chest feels empty and I'm suddenly unsure if I'm still sitting up straight.

Fear feels a lot like me remembering the eyes of the doctors on me. When they say you're okay and they lay you down and turn off all the lights. They make sure you're okay and say "I'll be right back, you're okay". They rush out of the room and come back just as quickly with another doctor. Suddenly you're upright again. The bright lights of a handheld flashlight are in your eyes except you can't see them clearly. You don't get answers you just get stared at. Lights in and out of the eyes, physical exams. Point your finger to your nose, top left, bottom left, where does your vision stop? Can you hold your arms out for me?

I still feel shaky writing this. It's like my body remembers. My left hand was six inches lower than my right. No I couldn't see the bottom left quadrant. It had stopped working in that corner of my vision. No I couldn't tell how many fingers they were holding up if they moved two inches to my left. Yes I would get an eye exam. Yes I would go up there now. No I didn't feel faint. Did I have someone to call? No. My family was in New York and my boyfriend was traveling.