Nora Kinkaid Wants Her Life Back

The Present

You're really giving me a run for my money today. I'm just here thinking about my future and you come in and sucker punch me in the heart. As if I don't feel you all the time. As if you don't live rent free in my heart. I am curious to know what you want from me. I am trying. I really am but you're sitting on my heart strings and all I want to know is if you're doing the work on yourself. Because I am and I have been. But you can't keep doing this to me if you're not working on you. I have grown as a person. When you come back into my life I expect you to have done the same.

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If I dig really deep, I can still feel Darkness. It's there and it makes me want to do things like ask him to think about me. But I can't ask him to do that. I can't ask someone in a seemingly happy committed relationship to dig deep and remember how he cared for me. That's absurd. I can't keep giving my energy over to him for his protection when that leaves me vulnerable. I'm so tired. So, so tired. I hate what has happened and I hate that I've fallen from grace in his mind.

I hate that I cheated and I especially hate that I know he cheated on me. It makes sense now why Christmas was such a chaotic time. Someone asked me what he would say to me if we sat in front of each other today. That's laughable considering I have my head wrapped up in white gauze and a recording device that I have to wear like a backpack. If Oliver sat across from me today I know he would say as politely as he could, "we're not suited for each other. This was never meant to be. This is not a connection I want to have, we're not compatible."

But if all of those things are true, why does this spiritual connection still persist? I know I know, it seems like I'm doing the majority of the holding on and I'll give you that. But I'm not creating the physical sensations of someone knocking on my heart. I couldn't make that up if I tried. My mind keeps him present but my heart has the connection and it hurts. It doesn't feel strong and resilient. It feels toxic and shameful. Like the two of us are just passing our stuff back and forth and it hurts.

My chest physically aches when I think about it. Honestly I don't even know what I think about. I think about all the shit I've got collected in my heart chakra that isn't mine. I don't even think it's his. It would feel different if it was all his. I'd remember that feeling. But this isn't his and it's not mine. It's hers. I'm upset that I wasn't strong enough to stop the non-light being from getting to us in the first place. I should have seen the signs. I could have done more. I should have known what I was doing when it came to showing up in my relationship and protecting it. But how was I supposed to do that when I had gotten the shit kicked out of me? And now, Oliver doesn't even remember me for me. He doesn't remember me for who I am. He only had recollections of my spiral. Isn't that sad? I mean I'm pretty great. I know it doesn't sound like it but I, Nora Kinkaid am wonderful.

I can't reach him. Energetically I just can't get to him. I hope he's happy. You know? At the end of the day I really do hope he's truly, soul shining happy. I don't think that's the case but I like to think that one day he will be strong enough to be there.

I make it sound like he just up and left. He didn't leave all at once. I tried to cut the chord with him. I learned how to energetically reject the non-light entity's power. I pushed her out of my aura on repeat. I took sage and cleared everything. I told her to fuck right off and that if she wanted him she could have him. I tried to mean it. If she wanted to win Oliver she could have him on an energetic level. It was only him who would suffer. But something prevented me from giving all of him up. If his soul came knocking on my heart chakra which it often did, I had a hard time saying no. I wanted to protect him. I wanted him to come back to me or at least break up with her.

There was a moment when I thought it would happen too. I channeled that he had gotten a job opportunity in New York. Eager, I know. He had gotten the opportunity and would be here for a few weeks to figure out if it was right for him. I could feel him on the streets. I welcomed his soul to my city. I let him know energetically it was okay to reach out. We hadn't spoken in this realm in months. Suddenly the wind shifted and he was gone. I don't just mean gone from New York. I mean gone from me. I couldn't feel him anymore. I couldn't even picture his face. I still can't. Oliver's soul is so far removed from any semblance of what I know that I truly can't access him in full. I guess that's a good thing from the self-protection standpoint. But it can be really frustrating when you're trying to dream about your old partner.

I guess that's the thing right? He's my old partner. The love or lack of love we had in our relationship no longer exists. It simply can't exist because the circumstances it grew in no longer occur. This is not Boston on a light fall day and I'm not two glasses of wine into a flirtation with him. This is February and I'm in bed with a bunch of wires around my head trying to decipher how to get myself out of an energetic entanglement with a non-light entity who's fucking up my energy from four states away.

Quite the predicament huh?

He didn't move. I want to make that clear. I spent the month of October combing over the streets of Manhattan looking for him everywhere. But I never saw him. I wonder how many potential partners I missed because I was looking for him in crowds.

I know I will learn to do better. That's the beauty of being a master soul. I will naturally course correct. It becomes a matter of when and how long it will take me. My course correction in this lifetime at present looks like learning how to lean into myself instead of into him. I don't need a partner to get me through this journey. I am capable of handling it and when I need support I have to learn how to ask for it. Besides, I've found that a lot of people can't be supports no matter how much you want them too.

I also know that I need to rid Darkness from myself by myself. No one can do this for me. They've never been able to do this for me. Tess and Christine have been amazing supports but they can't eradicate the Darkness in my soul. I have to rip it out of me piece by piece.

Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful for them. Tess and Christine gave me the gift of accessing tools I always had but needed remembering. Because I had them on my side I suddenly feel lighter and more capable of handling whatever life throws at me.