Nora Kinkaid Wants Her Life Back

Channeling

I just felt called to use a pen and paper and start writing. My fingers are tingling and my eyes feel heavy. He hasn't answered my texts at all. I don't know what's going on. What? Did I violate the boundary? The answer is probably yes. I did it out of selfishness. Also I don't know why I'm holding Todd as a placeholder in my mind. Like why do I want to text him? I went on a lovely date yesterday and today I still want to be able to talk to someone else. Lots of energy building up in side of me. I feel like static, the frizzy nature of what's inside of me. I feel the pure pull and I can't make sense of it. It almost feels like today is another big shift towards what and away from what, I'm not sure. It's feeling trapped inside of me. I worry. I wonder. This makes no sense but okay fine I will let go of the control and put down what comes out.

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When I left Boston, the last thing I did was text Oliver. I picked up my phone and shot him a text asking for coffee. He wasn't around. I believe him. I genuinely think he was busy and I gave him little to no notice. I told him I'd be back in a few weeks after visiting family in New York. Would he be around when I got back? He said sure, maybe we will see each other.

The day after I went home, I got Covid. Two weeks after that the lease on my Boston apartment fell through. The week after that I gave up. I stopped trying to make Boston work. I told him I wasn't coming back and that I thought I was only staying in Boston because of him. He told me that was a monumentally stupid decision. He didn't use those words. He said it would have been a bad choice considering we hadn't been together for four months. Why would I even include him in a life decision as big as staying in a state away from my entire family? I'm not sure. I know it sounds foolish to think like this but really it made sense to me at the time. I always knew we could come back together. At the time I thought we would come back together. I just needed to be in a space where we could run into each other. New York and Boston were not those spaces. If I was here and he was there, how would we ever find each other again?

I took my disappointment and heartbreak about Oliver and I put it away for the whole summer. I threw myself into work. I went to the beach and got sunshine and tried to heal in the ways I knew how. When September came, I thought, okay I'm ready to date. Within the first week of being back on the apps I matched with an old friend of Ben's. Was I proud that he knew Ben? No. Was I proud that I was getting back on the metaphorical horse? You betcha.

Todd had worked with Ben when we dated. I remembered him as being kind, easy going and pretty chill. That was always in direct comparison to Ben who was antsy, seemed to bounce off the walls and wanted constant attention. When we matched I was excited. We met for a drink at a speakeasy on MacDougal Street. When I showed up, he looked over the moon to see me which was a nice change of pace. After so many months of agonizing over missing someone who didn't seem to miss me, it felt incredible to be openly adored. Over drinks we caught up. He had recently gotten out of a long term relationship. He asked if I could understand how hard that was. I nodded empathetically. He was practically a saint in my eyes. He also told me about a scandal that left me confused.

Todd informed me that during the time he worked with Ben, he had busted an internal laundering scheme. I listened to the story riveted. I didn't even think to doubt that what he was telling me could be untrue. In retrospect, I was an idiot. We moved from the bar to the restaurant where Todd continued the saga. He said he had confronted the leader of the scheme, told him everything he knew and was planning on exposing him. When he left the office that day, he was jumped on the street and held at knife point by two guys hired by the leader.

I gasped. My god, knifepoint? In New York City? It didn't seem that far-fetched. It was more shocking that it had happened to someone I knew and apparently they were hired by his boss. I spent the rest of dinner listening intently to how Todd was able to get this man fired from the company and how he feels much better knowing he did the right thing. As I write this now, I realize how fantastical this all sounds. I feel like a complete idiot for not recognizing I was being played.

When I got home I didn't feel right. The center of my chest beat wildly. It felt like something was wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it but something wasn't adding up. When I told my friends about the date the day after they said the same thing, this doesn't make sense. I didn't know what to do but I would address it eventually.

The next day, I experienced my first channel. I was minding my own business but felt oddly energetic. Every time I sat down I bounced back up. I couldn't sit still. I did ten miles worth of walking but still wasn't exhausted. I finally grabbed my journal and took it outside. When I sat down in Central Park, words flowed out of me with such rapid speed that I panicked. The interesting part of the channeling was that at the very end it told me to go see Jennifer. I didn't really have time that day. I was supposed to go to an ABBA dance party that night but I called her up and she squeezed me in for an hour.