Nora Kinkaid Wants Her Life Back

Where To Go From Here

I dreamed of him. I never dream of him. Because I fabricate scenarios that I pretend are dreams of him. But this time I actually had a dream about him. I was in an airport and saw her with him and Tom. I said everything I knew about her. I was outraged. She had this dark hair and darker eyes and I pleaded with him to listen to me, hear what I was saying. And he got so mad. He was furious. How could I say all this stuff about someone I didn't know? And how could I explain? So I lied. I said a "friend" of a friend told me I was being talked about. I lied to him and I know he didn't believe me. But I pushed and he walked away. I saw him with Tom and his friends waiting for the plane to take off and I could feel the waves of anger radiating off of him. Didn't I want him to be happy? Yes but.

No buts. Didn't I trust his judgment? No, because looked what happened. And then I woke up and thought he's happy, he's really happy. Who am I to interfere with it? I don't know what I feel or believe. When I write "he's happy" it feels inauthentic but that could just be my own jealousy. Does it even matter anymore?

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I don't know where to go from here. I promise I'll finish the story of me and Oliver. You are entitled to know how we came together and fell apart. But as I'm writing this I'm wondering how I even begin to resolve this in my actual life. You know, the life I'm living when I'm not wired up. How do I win against Darkness when it's inside of me? To be honest when I started writing this I was all fired up. Anger will do that to you. It will get you motivated to do something. I'm still motivated but the rage has subsided. I don't feel so much when I think about freeing Oliver from the shackles of his non-light being girlfriend. In fact, I don't feel much rage at all.

I don't think that I can free him. Only he can do that. I'm the ancillary character in my ex-boyfriend's love life which oh, by the way, he has no idea about. This is the problem I find between the physical and the energetic realm. It can be so easy to slip into the space of perseverance and vindication when you feel energetically wronged. But I'm human. I'm still subject to the consequences of human nature.

I'm aware I'm inserting myself but cut me some slack. It seemed like the right thing to do when I started writing this. Now it just feels mildly foolish as if I can't let him go. I never really learned how to miss someone without continuing to show care for them. Where does it go? Where do I put the care I have for him if it doesn't flow back and forth between us. It feels like he's tied to me and I'm tied to him. But our love got lost.

I really need to relearn energetic boundaries like Jess taught me. Jess is another spiritual guide who taught me how to read other people's energy. She's particularly good at teaching others about what to do when you receive energy that you didn't ask for. She's also real by the way. A real human who lives in Pennsylvania. When I spoke to her last week, she reminded me that it was utterly critical I clear after every interaction. Tess has taught me a lot. It's a shame I don't listen to her more. She works in energy as it flows between people. Unlike Christine, Tess doesn't connect to Spry in the same way I do. She sees auras and taught me how to know the signs when you are being beat up on an energetic level.

I was really good about doing what she asked for a while. I would ground and clear. But then I got lazy. After I spoke to her, I followed directions. I cleared after every interaction I had. That is until I brought up Oliver's girlfriend in my own therapy session. My poor therapist. She really is a good sport. I imagine it must be unsettling for me to be talking about things outside of this realm when I'm supposed to be someone who only talks about things inside this realm.

But like I said, she's a good sport. She didn't even blink an eye when I reached behind me and ripped off the non-light being attaching to my scalp. The moment I said "Oliver's new girlfriend", this thing came and planted itself on my head. You see why I think it's part of the migraines? It kind of feels like Boo from Monster's Inc. when she won't get off Sully. But it's not cute and nice and friendly. This thing just wants a part of me and I'm not giving it to her.