Nora Kinkaid Wants Her Life Back

It's Your Own Fight

Please just give me more time. Just the thought of him proposing makes me want to curl in a ball and go full armadillo. What is it about this dynamic that brings this out in me? It's where if it's me, her, him or all three. I want this non-light entity out of my life and out of the lives of those I care about. I want to be free of this. Let him choose who he wants but let him not be held hostage by her energy sucking forces of manipulation and deceit. No, I need him to be free of any involvement with her on his own.

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I can't fight this fight for him. I know, I want to. Trust me. I would love nothing more than to flush the non-light entity gunk right out of my soul, then his. But he needs to wake up one day and listen to his soul when it tells him it's had enough. I guess I wonder why hasn't he had enough? I suppose it's the manipulative nature of shape shifters. They become what they need to become in order to stick around.

Tess said they're still together but a shift is coming. Whether that's staying together like an engagement or a breakup who the hell knows. I hope it's a breakup for his sake. Actually I hope she can free herself if she's only holding non-light energy. I hadn't really considered that. Maybe she's a light entity that has absorbed so much non-light energy it's hard to tell. If that's the case, I hope she gets as far away from his life as possible and I hope he finds a nice girl, someone calm and reliable, someone safe and understanding to settle down with.

Funnily enough, as I write about the shift, I saw the flash. It was quick as lightning but I saw the shape shift across the right side of my bed. It almost ran across the room as if to remind me I'm still being watched. But the thing is, I'm not afraid of you. I've never been afraid of you. You piss me off, you annoy me but I'm truly not afraid of what you can do. I'm stronger than you will ever be because I came to this earth with the entirety of my being intact.

As I write this I can feel her swirl around in front of me just begging to piss her off. I could easily pick up my phone and text him, provoke a little outrage but that's not going to help me or him in the long run. It's not like I want him back at this moment. I mean I did and sometimes I do but more so I want him to be free from her grasp because she shows up at the most inconvenient times.

One time, early on when she started whacking me, he came to see me first in the soul realm. I knew it was him. I wasn't even shocked. I knew the moment had been coming and we smiled in recognition of one another. Our souls almost said, "ahh there you are. I found you again" and we did. We have found each other again in every timeline of existence so far. I'm not sure why we don't work out in this one but as Christine said, "it's like the story of the Titanic. Rose lives a long and happy life with someone else. But she knows she'll see Jack on the other side." I think it was meant to be comforting. But when I heard that it just made me more upset. I don't want him to be my Jack. If he's my soulmate in this lifetime I want to have happiness with him in this lifetime. Isn't that enough? To live a life so well that your soulmate finds you and you both thrive? But then I guess I haven't been living life so well if I've been focused on energetically annihilating a non-light being from my realm. It takes so much energy to even think about doing it. And I barely move the dial when I do. So how is he supposed to find his way back to me when I'm sitting here like a hot mess? Not even really living my life. What's that about? Doesn't she automatically win if that's the case? I think she might automatically win him no matter what.

Just today I was in therapy and I brought up the entity and she came for me energetically. In the five seconds I talked about her I felt a force so great yank at my hair that I had to physically rip it off of me. To my therapist this must have looked insane but she's chill about these things. Or at least she pretends to be.

When you call a non-light being forward or even talk about them you're inherently engaging with them and that gives them a lot more access to things you may not want them near. For instance, I don't want a non-light being anywhere near Oliver. Selfishly it's because I want him to stay good and lovely for me. But non-selfishly it's because this entity fucked with my energetic space so badly I want to push back. Only problem is it's on the energetic field and I'm stuck in a physical body. I'm at the disadvantage and it knows that.

By now I think we can all agree the state of my physical body really holds me back. I wouldn't be your first choice in a fight. I can't blame you. Who really wants a partner that's felled by a bright light or loud sound? When I talk about the non-light being to others, the back of my head shifts internally. It feels like it's rearranging my hemispheres. Most of the times I see flashes of things but it's gotten more creative recently. It has chosen sound as the main mode of attack. Loud sounds or really anything that isn't succinct like crowds, drilling, or general chatter leave me horizontal. I've started getting lightheaded when sounds don't make sense. I can hear music pretty okay as long as I've listened to it before. But I was in a restaurant before this started and I had to leave. I got an upset stomach and my ears started ringing. I came home and slept for four hours on a Tuesday.

About a week after that, the migraine came back. The entity hit me when I was down and I can't say I blame it. I'd do the same if I had that type of energetic power. I need the doctors to check my brain because the migraine came back and it was bad this time. It's been two years since it's been this bad. But it showed up and this time I kind of embraced the silence. I embraced the fact that I was left with myself because you know what, I had some energetic housekeeping to do.

During day two of my migraine, after the ER trip for where I got an IV for dehydration, a CT scan and a fun heart arrhythmia caused by the shaking, I couldn't do anything but lay in bed under covers for eighteen hours. I decided to look at people's souls. Fun pastime right? Nothing like removing the physically entity from the soul to see what you're dealing with. Todd's was fire red and burned to the touch. It was the color of coal when it burns so bright it almost turns red to blue to purple. Ben's was broken in half but not quite all the way. It was like someone had axed through it and left the very bottom connected. I wanted to pour myself into that crack but I knew it was an old feeling. It was from years of loving him but him not loving me. So I avoided stepping in to mush his soul back together with my own.

Jack's was slippery like a marble. It rolled quickly away any chance I tried to grab it. Oliver's was cornflower blue. I haven't seen cornflower blue in quite some time so I was shocked to see that was its color. But it was beautiful. At first it was flat and dull. I was almost disappointed by it, seeing as it could be brighter and more vibrant. But then I decided to shine my own soul on it. I opened up my soul for the briefest second to shine my own light on his and wouldn't you know it, his glowed. It radiated into this gorgeous blue that seemed to sparkle and smile back at me all at once. Our soul's resonated on the same frequency for the briefest moment and I felt my heart break in two. That's what I mean when I say I miss him. I miss the sensation of one soul acknowledging another in such a way that it seems to say, oh hello I've missed you, welcome back.