Nora Kinkaid Wants Her Life Back

Moynihan Station, Again

What am I doing? I have been a fool this whole time. Trusting what others tell me to be true over my own intuition? The thought of him with someone else makes me physically sick. I have been a fool running around creating fantasies about a person that aren't real. I am grateful for my gift. I really am. But I can't trust that what is being fed to me is real. If it doesn't come direct from you what am I doing? I have dedicated years of time to a pipe dream and what for? So I can say I'm right? So I can say that I have a gift? The only thing I want to say is that I found love and the reality is I found it. I found it in Oliver and I threw it all away from the stupidity of having someone validate me. Why did his soul fight for me if it's been found by someone else? Does she realize how lucky she is to hear his laugh? To be his partner? To take my place? I made a huge mistake. And it's what I should have told him months ago. I made the wrong decision out of fear and while I recognize I've hurt him tremendously I want him to know I have regretted that choice every day since January. I have free will and I have a choice. Why am I dedicating so much energy into creating a false reality with someone who doesn't give me the time of day when I had someone who I felt seen by? Someone who I know and trust. Someone who I love. How could I throw it away?

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I see him before he sees me. It gives me just enough time to turn around. I don't want to do this. It's not that I can't. This is actually playing out the exact way I envisioned it which is a massive boost of confidence to my otherwise fragile ego. It's just like I saw. He's walking across the floor. He's gotten a little older. I can see more gray than I used to. But he's still him. He's looking down at his phone and then suddenly up at me. I can't tell if he's coming or going. Maybe he's waiting for someone. I hadn't taken that possibility into account. I stand stock still. I pull my suitcase towards me. No quick movements because like I said, I don't want him to see me.

I know I'm disappointing you but I'm not disappointing myself. I'm choosing myself. Isn't that what winning over Darkness is like? It's choosing yourself above any option to choose otherwise. Of course I could easily wave him down.

I could go right up to him and say "Hey stranger, what are you doing here?" And pretend to be surprised when he tells me he's moved to New York. He's on his way to his new apartment.

I could nod encouragingly and say, "That's great, that's so great." I could go a step further and say "Welcome to New York" and look up into his eyes and wait for them to recognize me. But I don't want recognition. I don't need it at all. I've done my work. I already know he hasn't done his. Yes she's gone. They broke up. It came to me in a channel this morning before I left my apartment.

It was all very untoward and cliché. I'm not surprised. Non-light beings are not exactly winners in the book for being brilliant all the time. They eventually run out of energy and misstep. He's lucky she did it the day before he moved. He was able to return the ring to the jeweler. They were understanding.

I could easily go up to him and say, "Hey I'm on my way to Boston but I'll see you when I get back" but honestly I don't want to. He hasn't done the work and I don't want someone who's covered in non-light energy to ruin my new found strength. I've worked too hard at learning how to eradicate Darkness to let a handsome man disrupt my peace.

One day, if he shows up for me again the question I will ask is, "Do I want you in my life?" Isn't that empowering? Do I want you in my life? I'm no longer asking if he wants me in his. The only thing I'm thinking about is what he's bringing to my energetic table. If he happens to be the right person, at the right time in the right set of conditions, I'll give it a think. Until then, I've got a book to publish.