Chapter 08
It was the anniversary of my father's passing.
Three years.
My father had been gone for three years.
It all still felt surreal, really. It still felt like yesterday when my mother called me to give me the most heart wrenching news of my life. It still felt like yesterday when my father and I were trying to rebuild our father-daughter relationship. It still felt like yesterday when I was a little girl and he would tuck me in every night.
Death was a thief of a different kind.
It was the most wicked thing to happen to our loved ones. The pain of having to live with the fact that you might never see or touch that particular person for the rest of your life. The grief that washes over you when you think of a million things you wished you had said to them but didn't. The things you would do just to speak to them one last time. The hope that maybe you'd see them when you die too.
The uncertainty of it all.
It was crushing.
I had promised myself that I wouldn't feel sad today but I completely broke that promise.
It was hard.
It was so difficult being back here and being reminded of the mistake I made three years ago. It felt absolutely devastating.
My mother didn't intend to do anything too serious for today. We were just going to drive down to the cemetery, say a couple words and then head back home and have a nice dinner to honour him.
And I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
Chris offered to come with, mostly for emotional support and I was grateful for that. We had all gotten flowers for him and held them in our hands the whole ride to the cemetery. When we got there, we wasted no time in getting down from my mom's car which we had all rode in.
Immediately my feet hit the ground, memories of my father's funeral came flooding in. I remembered how I cried harder than I have ever cried in my life. I remembered not being able to complete my eulogy due to how painful it was for me to just stand there and speak. I remembered Dean being there to comfort me the whole way through.
Not today.
The day was sunny and beautiful. There was this calm aura that it brought; a serenity.
We all proceeded to make our way to where my father was laid to rest. When we got there, there was this ample moment of silence. We all just stared aimlessly at his tombstone, which was shiny and clean. It was as though we were all just taking the moment in, being here together at the same time.
This was my first time being back here since my father's funeral. It was quite a lot to take in. I guess that my mom and brother were used to seeing his grave and being here entirely, but I wasn't.
My mother was the first to speak, "Um, a word of prayer would be nice to start with."
"Yeah." We all agreed with her.
"Thank you Lord that we're all here together this year on the third anniversary of Lucas' passing." She started, her eyes closing shut. "Thank you for how much you've lessened the pain these past years and how much avenue for healing you've allowed us. No one can ever be certain, but we keep hoping and praying that he's in a better place."
"Amen." Tommy, Chris and I chorused.
Mom proceeded to move over to place her flowers on his headstone. Then she took a couple steps back and began to speak.
