your blueberry boy ・❥・ hyunlix

seize

[hyunjin pov]

"hyunjin... we need to talk..."

i was sat next to felix's bed, on the small chair that i was always on.

i looked at the freckled boy in front of me, "yeah, sure... what about?" i asked.

felix paused for a moment, but then continued.

"i want to talk about the future." he replied.

i didn't quite understand what he meant, so i just slowly nodded in agreement, "...mkayyy."

there was a tension in the air as felix didn't speak for a few seconds.

"what's..." he paused, "what's actually going on with me right now...?"

i looked at him with confusion, and just shrugged.

"i... am not really sure." i just replied

as expected, the aussie wasn't very satisfied with that answer.

"...seriously?"

"...hm?"

"you SERIOUSLY don't know anything about what's wrong with me...?" felix muttered, he was obviously upset, "you don't have a single idea???"

"felix i- i told you... i'm not completely sure..." i responded.

i gulped, "...i would tell you if i was..."

felix frowned, "so, you DO have some sort of a clue on why i've been so unwell lately, but you just don't want to tell me?"

i froze, the guilt started to hit me, and at hit hard. like a punch to the guts.

"listen, it's just the rules of the hospital. i can't tell patients anything until i'm 100% sure of it...." i muttered.

"not even me?..." the blonde leaned into the back of his bed as he crossed his arms, "i thought we were closer than that..."

my head sunk into my hands.

"felix... please don't do this to me... i can't-" "i deserve to know." he cut me off.

instead of trying to give him an answer, i just said nothing and stayed silent.

felix tilted his head upwards and looked at the window, "hyunjin, i'm going to ask you something, and i want you tell me the exact truth. no ignoring me this time."

i lifted my head from my hands, now looking at the boy. "...mhm..?" i muttered.

felix hesitated for a moment, playing with his fingers.

i could feel his the anxiety inside his body just from sitting next to him, which made me feel sick.

the blonde turned his head in my direction, forcing me to make eye contact with him, "am i..."

he paused, re-thinking if what he was about to say was the best option.

but then he continued his sentence.

"...am i dying?"

the room went silent.

after he had asked that, it felt as if time had just froze.

the boy stared at me wide-eyed, with genuine fear in his eyes. i just looked back at him with hurt in mine.

i didn't know what to say, but i knew i had to say something. i couldn't just leave felix wondering if he was going to be okay.

"i..." i spoke up.

"you...?" he replied.

i waited for a moment.

usually in a situation like this, i'd just lie to the patient and tell them they were going to be fine so that they wouldn't be afraid.

but, i couldn't lie to felix.

not about something like this.

"...i don't know, felix."

the duck looked at me, he tilted his head to the side slightly.

"that isn't a yes or a no..." he started, "so... i'll make it easier for you."

felix began speaking again, "let's say... i never got a donor in the end, what would happen to me?"

i didn't respond.

"let me be even more specific, if my health continued to deteriorate like the way it is now, and i didn't get a heart transplant. THEN what would happen?" he asked.

i felt tears start to bubble in my eyes, but i managed to restrain them.

i didn't even want to think about what would happen, but i couldn't just leave the boy clueless.

"...th-then... you'd most likely pass away..." i muttered in response, my voice breaking.

he broke eye contact and sighed.

then he lied down in his bed, facing away from me.

felix slowly pulled the blanket over his frail body, "...alright, that's all i needed to know..." he muttered.

his reaction to my statement surprised me, but it also made me feel as if i had just killed him using my own voice.

and that's when i felt myself start to break.

i stood up and rushed out of the room, slamming the door behind me.

i was now in the dark, lonely hallway of the hospital.

i leaned on the wall next to the door of the room, feeling myself slide down it and onto the cold floor.

i curled up in a ball and rested my head on my arms, which were now on my knees.

a single tear ran down my cheek, i wiped it away and took a deep breath so that i wouldn't cry.

it had worked, for a few seconds at least.

a second tear had escaped my eyelids, then a third, then a fourth, until my face had become soaked with tears.

i didn't cry about anything because i didn't feel the need to.

i told everyone not to bottle up their emotions, but i failed to take my own advice.

i started bawling even more, letting out a few high-pitched sounds as i slapped myself, trying to stop the tears from flowing.

however, it didn't work, it had gotten to the point where i was violently sobbing on the floor.

i took my head out of my arms and leaned my head back on the wall, still crying hard.

i gave up on trying to wipe my tears as i felt my arms drop to my side.

the amount of pain and pressure i was feeling mentally was overwhelming.

i started to let out more noises of hurt as i moved my left arm back up.

i gripped my shirt tightly and held it up to my face.

i decided to just free all of my emotions, and let it happen.

i began to almost scream into my shirt, which i was now holding against my mouth to suppress the noises.

the uncontrollable crying continued for about 20 minutes more minutes, and all of it was because of a sick boy.

the thought of him never leaving this hospital to live a normal life didn't just haunt him, but it now haunted me also.

it was like a shadow that was constantly there, even when you turned off the lights.

once i had cleaned myself up, i was finally able to re-enter the hospital room.

i walked inside to find felix fast asleep, wrapped up in his thin blanket. the sight of him being at peace was enough to make the guilty go away for some time, as i lied on my mattess and started to drift off to sleep also.

i promised you that you'd be okay felix, but now i was starting to lose hope.

the hope that i have been tightly gripping onto since the day we met.