your blueberry boy ・❥・ hyunlix

quarante-et-un

THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF:
- denial
- anger
- bargaining
- depression
- and, acceptance.

[felix pov]

"...ngh-"

my eyes fluttered open, not used to the bright light of the room i was currently in.

i noticed that my skin was no longer pale, and i didn't feel weak anymore.

surprisingly, i felt healthy.

"w-where am i... h-hyunjin..." i muttered, unaware of anything.

i lifted myself so that i was now sitting up, as i noticed something on my bedside table.

"a letter...?"

i slowly picked it up, flattening it out so that there weren't too many creases.

as i held it parallel to my face, i began to read it.

but god, in that moment, i had no idea.

i had no idea of the overwhelming heartbreak and agony i was about to experience.

hi, yongbok. this is hyunjin.

i just wanted to begin by saying i'm sorry. i'm so so sorry this had to happen, i'm sorry i wasn't there for you near the end, i'm sorry i had to leave you.

i'm currently writing this at 4am, and this will be the last thing i ever write, because i'm going to end my life so that yours can continue. i'm not scared anymore, and i'm willing to do it for you.

if you're reading this right now, i am already dead, and my heart is currently beating where yours should be. it might be a weird thought, and i'm sorry if it freaks you out, but it's just the truth.

although, i am not completely gone, because i am still living inside of you, and you will carry my being with you for the rest of your life.

you're probably wondering what i wished for at that fountain last week. well, when i flipped that coin into the water, i thought in my head 'i wish for felix to live until he's old and grey, even if it means i have to make sacrifices for that to happen'.

i was given the decision to either live and let you pass away, or for you to stay breathing but me not to. as much as death scares me, i just couldn't let you die.

i'm just an ex-nurse, but you? you're someone who can't be let go of so easily. you're chris's sunshine. you're dr. han's sunshine, you were my sunshine.
a sun that can't set yet, even if your body was trying to tell you it was the evening. so, i gave my life away to keep your bright light beaming. and soon, you'll forget about me and all the memories we had, and you'll become somebody else's sunshine

no matter what, keep shining felix. i love you.
- your blueberry boy, nurse hwang.

it took me a moment to process it all, but once it did, it broke me.

without evening realising, tears were already streaming down my face.

it felt as if i had just been beaten up, my whole body ached as i tried not to just collapse.

my entire body was shaking.

i slowly moved my hand over where my heart was, and then gripped my chest.

i started to feel breathless from hyperventilating.

"n-no... this can't... NO!" i paused, "THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!"

DENIAL.

"HYUNJIN, NO! NO NO NO NO! PLEASE!" i screamed, "I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU, PLEASE! TELL ME THIS IS A JOKE! NO!"

i began to violently sob, screaming and shouting, not knowing what to do with my body as a result of all this sudden pain.

i started to whack my bed with my hand, "WHY?!?! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?!" i continued screaming.

ANGER.

i dug my face into my pillow and screamed and sobbed into it, the throbbing in my throat making my voice crack.

i lifted my face, taking a deep breath in, then releasing the loudest, most heartbroken war cry ever.

it was as if i was getting tortured and murdered. that's what the pain felt like at least.

"I'LL DO ANYTHING! JUST COME BACK PLEASE!" i yelped.

BARGAINING.

i clenched my shirt as i sobbed into the collar.

as a result of the loud cry, dr. han came bursting into the room.

he also had tears running down his cheeks.

"oh felix... i'm so sorry." he cried as he ran over to me.

as he wrapped his arms around my body, i felt myself sink into him, loudly sobbing into his shoulder as he held me tight.

"...i'm here for you..." he whispered.

DEPRESSION.

slowly,

after hours,

so many hours,

the sobbing began to stop, but never fully.

and dr. han still held me tightly in his embrace.

i felt numb, lifeless, soulless.

as if i had nothing.

and eventually, i didn't sob or wail. my grief became horribly discreet but as persistent and almost as silent as bleeding from an unstitched wound.

you left,

but you never really

left.

but we cannot simply sit and bleed forever.