Now and Forever |순키| Finished

22

Kei

I've decided to go sa beach and think about my current life decisions. I sat on the sand watching the waves. I took a pic of the sun and admiring how pretty it is.

It's been days since Me and Jaze last talked to each other. I tried talking to him and messaging him pero hindi siya nagrereply. But he'd reply to Aeron and Kuya CJ's messages at kahit doon lang, nalalaman kong okay lang siya. Pero okay lang ba talaga siya?

I looked at the time and it's already 3PM. Gustong gusto ko nang umuwi but there's something inside me that is making me stay. Maybe, just maybe he'll come.

I laughed at that sudden thought. I've hurted him, Hindi man lang ako nagpaliwanag, I've left and didn't even spoke to him after that and I am here waiting for him to come back na parang hindi ko siya nasaktan.

I stood up and took my bag and my camera, tumalikod ako at napansin ko ang pamilyar na kotse. It's his, kotse niya yon. Nandito siya. I looked around and looked for him pero wala akong nakita.

I took a few steps and I finally saw him, He was taking a picture of the sun. But... He was infront of me... He's taking a picture of the sun... And me. I stood there frozen thinking of what I should say.

"Cute... There are two suns in my picture." He said before he walked pass me. Agad kong sinundan ang galaw niya. He sat sand and stared at the sun and watched as the waves move.

"J-jaze..." I said. I've never felt more nervous in my whole life. It took me a few minutes bago muling bumalik sa sarili ko, but he didn't answer me. Nakaupo lamang siya ron at pinapanood ang mga sumasayaw na alon.

"I'm sorry. I should probably go now..." I said. I was trying my best not to cry. He's not talking to me anymore, and I've made him feel bad, he's feeling like that because of me and I don't know how to forgive myself... I've lost the only person who's willing to make it work.

I stopped as tears continue to escape my eyes. I don't want him to know na umiiyak ako pero hindi ko na magawang pigilan pa. I've cried and I could feel my knees getting weaker and weaker. Not until he pulled me closer to him and hugged me like I was the only person he'd hug.

"You're such a cry baby, I was supposed to be the one getting comforted but here we are." He said making me cry even more. He's right, siya dapat ang kinocomfort at niyayakap ko ngayon pero dahil sa hina ng loob ko. Hindi ko magawa.

"I'm sorry... I-i'm sorry, Jaze... I don't want to hurt you, I didn't want that to happen... Hindi ko gustong masaktan kita... Hindi ko yun sinasadya..." I said in between sobs. He was stroking my back and my hair letting me know that he was comforting me.

"Stop saying sorry, it's not your fault that you don't feel the same way, hmmm? Just promise me one thing... Ipangako mo saaking hindi mo sisisihin ang sarili mo na nasaktan ako, You shouldn't be sorry for rejecting someone, Kei. Just... Let me adore you, kahit sa malayo at tatanggapin ko nalang na hindi kita makukuha and everything will be okay..." Jaze said pero umiling ako. I kept on looking at his eyes habang umiiling. I wanted to tell him everything, everything that I've felt when he came into my life. I want to let him know how much I love him.

"Hindi... Hindi ganon, Jaze..." I said that made him look confused. Hindi ko kayang magsalita. Takot na takot akong magsalita dahil pakiramdam ko kakainin ako ng kinatatayuan ko but I know I have to do this. In order to make myself happy, in order to make both of us happy.

"I like you... No! I-i love you... Pero hindi ko magawang sabihin sayo kasi natatakot ako... Kung anong mangyayari sayo or kung anong mararamdaman mo. I've decided to leave you there hanging and waiting for me the day you told me that you liked me pero kung... Kung alam mo lang kung paano ko pinipigilan ang sarili ko na yakapin and halik-halikan ka..." I explained. Nanlalaki ang mga mata niya habang nakatingin saakin. Muli akong tumingin sakanya at mas lalong lumalim ang paghinga ko, I've been thinking of telling him the truth pero mas lalo lang akong natatakot.

"W-why...? Why are you scared? Is it about me? Is there something wrong with me? Meron ba akong nagagawa na ayaw mo? Tell me, kahit sino o ano pa yan basta para sayo tatalikuran ko." Jaze said while caressing my cheeks and wiping off my dry tears. Just the thought of me leaving this beautiful man behind makes my heart ache.

"Hindi ko kaya, Jaze..." I explained. Nakatingin lamang siya saakin habang hinihintay ang mga susunod ko pang sasabihin. I took a deep breath bago muling ibinalik ang mga tingin ko sakanya.

"Please, Kei... Ipaintindi mo saakin, kahit mahirap, iintindihin ko para sayo..." He begged me. I looked at him as he wipes off my tears. Huminga ako ng malalim at muling nagsalita.

"I'm dying, Jaze..." He froze after hearing me say those things. Alam kong hindi niya ako maintindihan, he was staring at me for a good whole minute. Hindi ko alam kung ano pang magiging reaksyon niya, hindi ko alam kung makakaya ko pang damdamin ang mga susunod na sasabihin niya.

A lot of questions ran in my mind, paano kung iwan niya lang rin ako? Paano kung hindi na niya ako panindigan at hayaan nalang rin niya akong magisa? I wanted to cry louder as time passes by. Unti unting lumuwang ang pagkakayakap ko sakanya but he hugged me, even tighter. And that made me feel loved.

"I... I have leukemia, Jaze... Dalawang buwan nalang ang natitira sa buhay ko... Dalawang buwan nalang kitang pwedeng makasama, dalawang buwan nalang kitang pwedeng mahalin." I said in between sobs. I could hear his soft sobs and could feel my shoulders getting wet by his tears.

"W-why don't you take medications?" He asked. I've prepared myself for this question. Ang iniisip ko lang ay sana tanggapin niya o maintindihan niya ang isasagot ko.

"I... Jaze... Ayoko na mahirapan sila Lola at si Ate... Sobrang sakitin ko mula pagkabata, and they're always there to help me... Pagod na rin ako." I explained. It may sound nonsense but there's something inside me. The reason why I'd rather die than to continue living.

"Then... I'll help you... Tutulungan kita... Until you regain your energy, hanggang sa maging okay ka..." He said while caressing my cheeks pero umiling nalang ako. I hugged him tight and he hugged me even tighter.

"I don't want to force you, dahil mahal kita. Hindi ko matatawag na pagmamahal yun kung pipilitin kitang gawin ang bagay na ayaw mo para sa ikakasaya ng mga tao sa paligid mo." He said. I felt relief washing all over my body bago ako pumikit at muling hinigpitan ang pagkakayakap ko sakanya.

"Thank you, Jaze. Thank you so much... I don't know what I'd do kung wala ka..." I said. I felt his lips pressed on the top of my head and on my forehead.

"I love you, Kei. And I will always do, Now and forever." He said before placing another kiss on my forehead. I looked at him and for the first time in forever, I finally felt how being inlove actually feels.

"I... I love you too..." I whispered making him smile. Nakatingin lang kaming dalawa sa isa't isa hanggang sa unti unti na kaming huminto sa pagiyak.

"Let's go? Iuwi na ako sa lola ko, Ipapakilala na kita bilang manliligaw ko." He smiled the moment I said that. Agad siyang tumango at muling pinatakan ng halik ang aking noo.