Pavane for a Lost Boy (Or Rather, How to Survive Loss after Rejection)

Chapter Four

Suicide watch.

They are two little words that no person who is ready to end it all or is faced with too much drama wants to hear.

And yet, here I am under suicide watch in the mental ward of St. Luke's General Hospital that's just minutes away from downtown. And of course, it was the Tucker family that brought me here after finding me swallowing Mom's Vicodin pills and drinking some of Dad's vodka to wash it all down.

In a way, I should've guessed that it was bound to happen sooner or later. I just didn't want anyone to stop me after being orphaned and rejected by my family in one fell swoop.

But yeah, here I am surrounded by other people who are part of the cuckoo's nest: a soon-to-be convict who never got treated for his schizophrenia after murdering three innocent kids, an emo kid who cut himself one too many times, a fresh-faced cheerleader struggling with bulimia, and others that fill the starring lineup.

And if you thought that my extended relatives bothered to show up and have the decency to have a change of heart; then I'm sorry to say that it wasn't so. Rather, they just urged me to find another way to end my life. "That way, we can all be at peace knowing that you're doing your mother and father one posthumous favor of being eliminated from our family name," commented one of Dad's sisters as she (the only family member that could be bothered to come) saw me lying in my hospital bed. "Grant this family the courtesy of doing yourself away with."

Yeah, that didn't suit the faculty and staff members of the hospital very well as they gave her the boot.

Anyway, I've been in this psych ward for three days straight and I learned three things to understand about being a part of the loony bin.

1. You can only go so far by making small talk about the weather and other "safe insights" as the folks here at St. Lukes don't like it when people bring up certain triggers (almost everything under the sun).

2. The nurses and orderlies vary for a patient. You can get unlucky if their incompetent, quick-tempered, and self-centered; or you can get relatively lucky and get someone who's indifferent and even-minded. It's rare for a patient to get an assigned orderly and nurse who truly cares for you.

3. When it comes to mealtimes, you gotta be quick to eat everything if you don't want your plate to be taken by someone with an endless appetite.

And while I got stuck with a young juvie with the case of Bottomless Pit Syndrome (I knew not to mess around with someone who loves fire a little too much); I did get an orderly and a nurse that was more of the even-tempered and genuinely caring. Jose's the orderly who recently graduated from TCU while Gianna Sloane was the petite, dark-skinned nurse who came from a family of medical practitioners. And they made sure that I didn't try anything, hence my first interaction with them on day two...

FLASHBACK (Two days after the failed suicide attempt)...

"Why did you do it?" was the first thing that left Gianna's mouth after telling her my life story. "You waited this long to try and pull a stunt like this, so why?"

I closed my eyes, taking a few deep breaths to steel away the nerves that were about to break. "I didn't want to let myself risk being exploited by the streets," I replied lamely. "My mother, father, and siblings as well as my aunts, uncles, and cousins all but condemned me to a life full of misery even when I did everything right to make them happy. So, I just decided to find a suitable exit to skip a lifetime of failure."

Jose, with his domineering football-playing frame, just shook his head in dismay. "If the Tuckers hadn't stopped you from ending your life, would it make any difference?" he asked me, his hazel-gray eyes boring into my stare.