Pavane for a Lost Boy (Or Rather, How to Survive Loss after Rejection)

Chapter Forty-Nine

"I, I loved you much. It's not enough. You love pulling me in a love puff. And life is like a pipe and I'm a penny rolling up the walls inside," I sang softly as I played Amy Winehouse's iconic song on the piano during break period, my original music set to the side while my main piece was still waiting for me to be completed. It had been a chaotic few days with what awas going on and while I was working on some of my other pieces, the one that that remained unfinished still beckoned me to have that heartsong ready to sing to the world.

And unfortunately, I wasn't sure if I was even close to getting that completed because there'd been a lot of themes that I didn't want to touch back on regarding my old neighborhood and my birth family: the times spent in silent tears while everyone was living it up, the days where I'd have to fend for myself thanks to Mom's blackmailing, me having to self-depreciate my worth to make everyone else happy- everything  and anything that I was looking to escape from with a flask of vodka and some Vicodin pills that I was about to have as a final meal that fateful day.

And even though I was encouraged to translate my feelings into that particular symphony, I wanted to originally burn it to ashes and move on to something new.

"We only said goodbye with words. I died a hundred times," I continued to sing while adding a jazzy twist to the original song. "You go back to her, and I go back to. We only said goodbye with words. I died a hundred times. You go back to her, and I go back to, I go back to black."

"That was beautiful, Demario," Mrs. Bermudez-Estrada said gently as I continued into a musical interlude. "I still am amazed how you can play so extravagantly on the piano yet was ignored by the people who brought you into this world. And from the song you played, I took it that you had them on your mind."

I heaved a sighed, pausing from playing the piano as I faced the Hispanic band director and music teacher. "I had a LOT on my mind, recently," I replied. "Ryan, Jillian, Theo, everything that has my life turning on its head for the past couple of weeks. I'm actually surprised that I lasted this long because who knows what can happen at this point."

The older woman smiled faintly as she motioned for me to continue playing, which I decided to do with a little tribute to Miles Davis. "What about your family, your birth family that is?"

"What about them?"

"Have you heard from them lately?"

I shook my head no. "They made their intentions clear the afternoon after we laid my parents, brothers, and sisters to rest," I commented fiercely. "They all had no regrets of disowning me and hated me because my mother did. All of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and distant kinfolk all but wanted me out of their lives in the same way that my mother's final words to me echoed in my head. 'I wished for thunder and lightning to kill you.' I gave them everything and anything I could offer them and yet I was the one who got left in the cold. As far as I'm concerned, they are not my family any more than I was not family to them."

"That's a bit glib and harsh to say," Mrs. Bermudez-Estrada replied, frowning at that last sentence as the music transitioned to some Strauss.

"Well, it was the cold reality check that I needed to see," I couldn't help but reply sharply. "You know something, ma'am? That day when I was orphaned and disowned, I was all out of fight and was ready to escape a lifetime of homelessness and not having any options for survival save for drug-dealing or sex-trafficking. A flask of vodka and some Vicodin pills were the key to a lethal exodus before now and I was ready to end it all. But fate had other plans for me and...well, here I am."

"Oh, Demario," the band director and music teacher said sadly.

"Yeah, it's a tough pill to swallow, but it's facts. And the unfinished symphony that you wanted me to complete- the one that I was working on up until my late ex-parents and siblings died that day- is still haunting me and teasing me to complete. I do have a few ideas on hand, but I can't go back to it right now. Not when things are already complicated with the Ryan/Theo/Jillian storyline of my life."