Pavane for a Lost Boy (Or Rather, How to Survive Loss after Rejection)

Chapter Sixty-Five

Two hours later, I was back at home playing the piano after a bit of an emotional day at Nguyen's office. Joel and Taylor were out with the guys while Noreen and her family were spending time with each other at their home, leaving me to fend for myself. I didn't mind it much since I needed to be alone and mainly sort my emotions out. With everything that had happened so far, I was, in Dr. Nguyen's words, definitely at crossroads and I was going to have to make some decisions for myself.

Seguing from a bit of Duke Ellington to a bluesy tribute to Mendelsson, I thought about how Ryan and Theo would still seek out vengeance if they found out I was still alive. I thought about what was going to happen regarding my ex-blood relatives and my late parents and siblings now that I knew that there were some dark secrets going on under my nose while hating me for being in the home as a front. I thought about the people who had to turn their back on me- Aunt Denise, Yvonne, Uncle Trey- to save their livelihoods and reputations at my expense. I thought about how things might've played out if I did ended my life back at Fairlake Arms- everything would still move forward, but the three people who felt the most guilty would still have my suicide haunt them for the rest of their lives.

But most of all, I thought about the future and what was on the horizon. And that was still uncertain given everything that was going on.

Jsut as I finished a sample of "So Afraid" by Janelle Monae, there was a knock at the door. "Come in," I said.

In stepped Oliver dressed in casual clothes, his hair wet as if he came out from a shower or a swim at the pool. "Hey," he greeted me, coming over to the piano before we shared a light kiss. "I was at the swimming pool and something told me to check in on you."

I hummed as I finished the song. "Had a lot on my mind lately," I replied. "And let's jsut say that the past two days were full of nuttiness."

"Wanna tell me about it?"

I nodded, getting up from the piano. "Might as well," I replied. "But I give you fair warning, Ollie. You're going to think I'm nuts when I tell you what's up."

"Try me," Oliver challenged me lightly.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Okay. But first, let me grab a snack or two. We'll need it."

*************

"Damn," Oliver said, shaking his head after I finished recapping him about the visit from my paternal aunts and the therapy session from earlier while we sampled some leftover chicken bites from lunch. "Demario, man, I can't even imagine having your life alongside being transgender. How the hell do you stay strong among all of this?"

"I don't even know myself," I replied honestly, taking a sip of cola before facing him. "But being around people like you and my foster family is one way of knowing that I'm not alone, even when I feel like I am."

"Babe, I had no idea," my boyfriend commented. "You need to know that you're not ever going to be alone. I'm here. Your foster family's here. Even the McGillivray-Sullivan clan are by your side alongside your group therapy friends, everybody at school, and even the Nguyens. And if I know better, the Tuckers wouldn't allow you to think like that."

"I know, babe, but I'm just afraid that what I have right now could vanish before my eyes by some bizarre twist of fate or even betrayal that's for the sake of someone else. I'm scared that too much tragedy and drama from my life will end up pushing everyone away that will prove my mother right, forcing me to do something drastic and reckless. But the thing that frightens me the most is that I'll lose someone to the hands of death. I don't want to lose what I have to anyone who wants me to be miserable like my mother did. I'm just starting to find my real self now that I got my purpose of living."

By then, I was crying. And so was Oliver. "Babe, what do you need?" my saintly lover asked me, voice choked with sobs.

I brushed some tears away as more came flowing. "I-I want you to make me this promise," I told him, my voice strong despite the sadness. "I want you to promise me that you'll never turn your back on me no matter what drama might cross my path and no matter how things might look bleak. I want you to promise me that you'll stay even when everyone else turns away and I'm pressed against the walls and the odds are stacked in my favor. I want you to tell me that you'll ease all of my fears and be the ultimate guiding light when everything else gets too dark and I can't see the path ahead of me."

"I promise all of that to you and so much more, Demario," Oliver breathed, wrapping me in a hug. "I will be there whenever you need me and wherever you go. No matter what happens, Demario Bader, I love you so fucking much that it's not even funny. But I want you to promise me something as well in return. I want you to promise me that you'll keep fighting the naysayers- that you'll keep pressing forward no matter if anyone else abandons you and you feel like you're almost ready to fall down into despair. I want you to promise me that you're going to love and live more than you did before. Promise me this, Demario Bader, and I will give you anything in the world. But most of all, promise me that you and I can enjoy what we have no matter what happens in the future."

I inhaled sharply, the smell of chlorine tickling my nose. "I will, Oliver Slade," I vowed before we faced each other. "Now, I want you to be my light in the storms. Make love to me. Take me to the stars and the cosmic universes that you and I can only find and fight for together."

He didn't have to be told twice. Pulling me off the couch, we started to make out passionately before racing for my bedroom and taking off each other's clothes as a sensual whirlwind was ready to blow between us.

And for the moment, I was grateful for him being my boyfriend.

Really, I was.

There's nothing like a good tear-jerking scene between two lovers that lead to some passion, even if it's between a jaded teenager and his transgender boyfriend!

Coming up, it's back to school and people are still talking about the Ryan/Theo scandal. And folks, let's just say that we haven't heard the end of the infamous duo yet! You ain't ready for this!

Song: "Cosmic Love" by Florence + the Machine. Bonus song: "So Afraid" by Janelle Monae (see below)

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