Pavane for a Lost Boy (Or Rather, How to Survive Loss after Rejection)

Chapter Thirty-One

Dear journal,

Things are starting to get real as I'm now fully settled into my new life at the Lomax household and at Pacifica Glades. For the most part, I'm taking things one day at a time and reminding myself to think on the positive. And I have, now that I have a boyfriend that's part of my inner circle to help me heal from the scars of my past. Oliver and I made it official after that little incident from Ryan. And even though we're taking it slow and steady, it's like we've known each other for out whole lives.

As for school, nothing's changed regarding my academic and social life. The classwork is a bit harder (AP and Honors can give me a challenge), but the teachers and students are pretty cool. And I'm still making waves with being on the aquatics team (I led the diving team to its first win of the season with me being awarded highest points with Oliver for the team platform run) and the musical ensembles (I was invited to sit in during the marching band's rehearsal and performed at halftime for the second home game).

The one thing to worry about is the Kendricks/Peavey debacle. And while Golden-Boy Ryan has been keeping his distance, I could feel Jillian's icy and taunting stare chill over me as I saw her breeze past me when walking to classes. Joel and Taylor said that she's been given an restraining order to keep away from me, but I can't help but feel that she's...well, planning something nasty against me.

I don't want to sound a bit cynical, but I also can't feel that any moment could be when the jig would be up and every thing that I was working hard to keep together would crumble apart. It's like I'm hoping for the best (which I should be), but Mom's voice still nags in my head that I am just running a game on everyone and they're going to find me out.

I'm telling myself that this is my last chance to make sure that I start to actually live life and not just survive. But thanks to my late family and being exiled by my relatives, my life is like being in survivor mode- trying to keep it together while in danger of falling apart.

***********

The rest of the school week came and went and it was now Saturday morning as Joel and Taylor were currently accompanying me to my first group-therapy session that was to be led by Dr. Nguyen's identical twin brother Mitch. And while I was listening to Kirk Franklin's "Just for Me" as suggested by the good therapist, I was inwardly nervous about talking about my suicide attempt in front of strangers.

"It's the principle of being around people who need support from one another," the therapist had reminded me yesterday during our therapy session when he brought the topic of the incoming therapy session. "You can't get by with just the Lomax family and your classmates. Sometimes, you need to be with people who had been through the same fate."

And now, we soon pulled up to the local Lutheran church where the aptly-named "Young Survivors' Club met up every two weeks. "Wish me luck," I said, unfastening my seatbelt before I got out of the SUV.

"You're going to do fine," Taylor assured me. "We'll be picking you up in an hour, so make sure to have fun and fully participate. And don't let anyone give you hell."

I nodded as I watched the duo pull away before I walked up the path and followed the directions to where the meeting was held, a medium-sized conference room not far from the sanctuary. Once I stepped in, I saw that I was one of the last ones to arrive. There were around 15 other teenagers- five of them dressed in punk/Goth attire while the rest were dressed in either athletic or leisure gear. There were 4 other African-Americans, 7 Hispanics, and five white kids. Some were on their phones or listening to music to help them chill out while the others were either gietting snacks or shooting the breeze. I made my way to the snacks and beverages and perused the fare.