Pavane for a Lost Boy (Or Rather, How to Survive Loss after Rejection)

Chapter Eighteen

A/N: Play the songs when directed! Long chapter, but crucial to read! Enjoy!

The rest of the day came and went without a hitch, and it was soon time to head to the bandroom where the auditions for the school's jazz and chamber music ensemble were about to begin. And from the relatively-large number of students who had arrived and waiting outside, it looked like I was facing some serious competition.

Yikes.

"Hey, Demario," came the voice of Gianna as she, Jose, and my foster family arrived with smiles on their faces as I also caught the arrival of Dr. Nguyen and a young man who looked like his twin brother. "Are you ready for the moment of your life?"

I pasted a smile on my face, though my nerves were saying otherwise. "Ready as I'll ever be," I replied, gripping my backpack straps as if it was my life preserver.

Jose frowned, noticing the look of apprehension in my eyes. "I don't think you are, man," he commented. "You're nervous, aren't you?"

Damn that man for seeing right through me! "You have no idea," I said, my facade easily crumpling to the ground as I found myself being led into a classroom by the older Hispanic nurse. "I never expected things to be like this, you know? What if I end up falling flat on my face and become an instant pariah, Jose? This is one of these moments that I fear about when I started my debut here at PGHS- being the hot topic one moment and a total loser the next."

All the better for you to bow out and end it all, like I want you to, I heard the nagging and bitter voice of my mother in my head. You ain't worth shit, and you're never going to be anything unless I say so! End it all, Demario Bader! End it all and grant my posthumous wish if you don't want me to forever haunt your mind!

I closed my eyes, vainly fighting the nervous breakdown that was soon to follow just as I felt Jose's rough and calloused hands rub up and down my back. "Breathe, Demario," I heard him say gently. "Inhale deeply and hold for ten seconds.

I took in a deep breath. One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten.

"Now, exhale slowly," he said as his hands continued to rub on my back.

I did so, keeping my eyes closed while bowing my head.

So pathetic! You ain't a real man, Demario Bader! I wish for thunder and lightning to kill your scrawny ass! Why didn't I abort you from the start?! You sicken me! Mom continued to rant in my head!

"Shut up, Ma! Please shut up!" I couldn't help but bellow out loud, catching Jose off-guard as I opened my eyes to find him staring at me in shock!

Oh, God.

"That woman's voice is still giving you a headache, isn't she?" Jose asked me softly.

I nodded. "I feel so stupid coming to this audition," I croaked just as Dr. Nguyen came into the classroom with his twin following suit. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking to agree to this in the first place. This isn't for me, I know it isn't! I gotta-"

"Cold War," Dr. Nguyen said, cutting me off. "Do you have that mp3 player on you?"

I nodded, extracting it from my pocket alongside the earbuds.

"Listen to the song and calm down, Demario," my therapist instructed me. "You need to listen to that song, and I want you to perform it at the audition."

"What? Dr. Nguyen, I-"

"No, Demario," came the domineering voice of Taylor as he and his husband came into the room with matching glares on their faces. "You need to do this, right here and right now! You got too much potential to let it all go to waste just because that witch of a mother loved to belittle and degrade you just because you lived. It's time for you to shine for once in your life."