TIAN GUAN CI FU Fan fic stories

ALL THE FEAR THAT IS IN ME...

Chapter 1 :  Xie Lian

He had these vivid memories of summer thunderstorms, late night movies, and bike rides that had him racing downhill at dangerous speeds — Feng Xin and Mu Qing screaming behind him to be careful. But now he was not sure if he'd made all of them up, since they felt so distant and almost dream-like. Those "memories" stood in such stark contrast to the life he led now, and perhaps in a way he hoped they were mere figments of his imagination; if they were real, he wasn't sure he could shoulder the burden of knowing he would never have those moments back.

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Xie Lian's apartment was pitch-black when he awoke. There were a few minutes before his alarm was scheduled to go off, so he lay there staring at the white ceiling. Outside his window the trees rattled as gusts of wind shook their branches, along with the metal street signs that creaked as they threatened to topple over. His apartment felt too warm already as the temperatures began to rise with the upcoming summer months. The nape of his neck was sticky with sweat, and his fan buzzed as it helplessly circulated the hot air inside.

He shut his eyes tightly.

There were faint memories of a dream still clinging to his consciousness, but they were vague images and colors he couldn't truly describe other than producing that insufferable feeling of longing. For what, he didn't really know. Maybe it was for the past. Or maybe it was for a future he wanted. It didn't really matter for Xie Lian exactly what it was, but that the feeling had become increasingly constant even in his waking hours. Made worse in the last few years.

I must be getting old, he mused. Perhaps it was the fact that he was turning thirty that was causing him to be uncharacteristically sentimental. After all, he had spent the last few years being so perfectly content with simply existing, that it felt strange to feel such longing.

Finally, his alarm went off on his nightstand, and Xie Lian opened his eyes once more and turned to click the beeping sound off. It was still early, the sun not yet risen, but he needed enough time to get ready and cycle down into the main town where he worked. It was supposed to rain that day, which meant it might take him longer to get into work if the weather suddenly turned sour early in the morning.

Xie Lian dragged himself out of bed eventually, climbed down his lofted room, and padded across the room into his small kitchen. Along the way he greeted the many plants he had accumulated in the last year; his hands felt gently at the leaves that spread out towards the sun. Some of them he could probably drag out onto his small balcony to let the rain water them, but others he knew would undoubtedly drown if they got too much water. He made a mental note of which ones he would take outside while put the kettle on the stove to boil for some tea.

The contents of his fridge were scarce — it'd been a few days since he'd bought groceries at the market, and a failed attempt at an herbal soup had resulted in several of his vegetables going to waste. Xie Lian frowned. He'd have to make do with the instant noodles he had for emergencies and the frozen dumplings left in his freezer.

While the water boiled he took out his phone. There was a text message from Shi Qingxuan asking when he'd come and visit, accompanied by a picture of Shi Qingxuan with some sour looking young man Xie Lian had never seen, and the city lights in the backdrop.

Xie Lian didn't respond.

Instead, he looked at the forecast again. It was still expected to rain, though now at least it wasn't meant to start until later in the day. Xie Lian sighed in relief. He didn't want to get into work sopping wet.