Die In California

51

Devyn's POV:

"You alright?" I quietly asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had filled the bedroom. JP and I were now wrapped up in each other's arms, under the warm sheets, after a long day of planning the next few weeks - which were undoubtedly going to give us hell. My loud-mouth boyfriend had been suspiciously quiet throughout the whole day, which I knew was to be a cause for concern. But each time I asked, he'd insist on leaving it until later. Well, guess what buddy? Now was later.

He wordlessly nodded his head against my chest, his arms squeezing around my body in an attempt to reassure me. But I wasn't buying it. I sighed as I wound my arms around his neck and shoulders, my hand gradually sliding down his back. "Don't lie to me." I playfully prodded his side, where I knew he was ticklish.

As expected, he cringed away from my taser, with a quiet laugh, before groaning. "I- it's just a hard time right now." He shrugged dismissively, and I knew that was as far as he wanted the conversation to go. But that wasn't going to work for me. I needed him to tell me how he felt, and be brutally honest, so that I could help him. "Please jus' talk to me, PJ. Tell me what's on your pretty lil' mind." I all but begged, reaching up to tap his temple to emphasise my point.

"Alright, fine." He sighed, before taking a deep breath, as if to brace himself for what he was about to say. "You want honesty?" I hummed in response, promising that I was listening to all that he had to say. 

"Look, I'm not happy about you staying here while we're in LA. I'm not happy about only gettin' to see you every other weekend, if you can even make that. An' I'm definitely not happy about how secretive you're bein'. I mean, I know it isn't an affair, but damn Devyn you ain't half settin' it up like one! I know you ain't, but fuck, why d'you need'a be so damn secretive?"

JP's voice wasn't raised, it wasn't even stern or accusing. He was as calm as ever, and simply voicing his thoughts as he stared out of the window at the darkening sky. I appreciated his honesty, and I appreciated his tone. 

It seemed that lately we'd been suffering from a lack of communication, unsaid thoughts suffocating us like a thick fog as we simply moved on with out lives, letting autopilot take the reins of our relationship. We needed to fix that, and this seemed to be the first step towards doing so. 

"Thank you." I softly spoke, trying to convey the gratitude I felt for him finally opening up to me, despite the 'tough guy' image he often portrayed. "An' I get why you feel that way, hell, I'd feel the same if I were you." I sighed, beginning to gently massage his head as he hummed in satisfaction, his eyes finally beginning to flutter closed.

"I- I jus'- I don't know how to explain it. I mean, I've got some ideas of how to work this out, an' shit, but I don't wanna put them out there in case it doesn't work. The last thing I want to do is get your's and Kells' hopes up, just to disappoint you when it fails. And, well, I guess- in a way- uh, okay... It sounds stupid but, I don't wanna put it out in the universe in case I jinx it, y'know, an' pretty much set myself up to fail."

It honestly felt embarrassing to admit that I felt like there was a higher power that was determined to make me fail. I felt like voicing my plan would cause the universe to put some sort of curse on it. And I knew that it sounded stupid. But I had every reason to believe it; let's face it, I didn't exactly have the best track record.

I once said that I'd become successful in life, then ended up down a dark alley with my head in the clouds, completely off my ass on a cocktail of drugs. I once said that I'd marry the love of my life, then JP and I broke up. I once said that I'd have children with JP and well... I can't have kids, so that's out of the picture too. Putting things out into the universe had never worked for me before, so why would it start working now?