She's Bad News- Simon Riley x reader

Twenty Four

__________
{y/n}

      ~ "He's gone."
How I felt the moment Simon uttered those words was indescribable. At least for me. But what I can say is how it felt. So what's it like?

It's like being punched in the gut with a wrecking ball, knocking the breath out of every cell in your body. It's like having the floor pulled out from beneath you, swallowing you whole into it's dark abyss. You can't breathe, I don't even think I wanted to really. Everything is spinning, yet at the same time it feels as though time itself has stopped. A deep hole left in your already shattered heart, leaving you completely empty. So many many feelings hitting me at once. There was really no right way to feel...

And then there's that pit forming in your chest, making its way to your throat. It doesn't hurt. It's just there. I thought the only way to get rid of it would be if I cried. But I didn't cry, I couldn't. Was that wrong? Even the day Caleb's casket was carried to the aircraft, there were no tears. It didn't feel real at all, considering Simon forbid me to see his body.

It made me wonder...Were his injuries that bad? Did he still look like the Caleb I spent all these years with? Or does he think I don't have it in me to see him like that. Whatever it was, I wanted it to be me. It should have been me.

We had a small ceremony as he was being lifted into the aircraft. Everyone was there. After his plane left, I wasted no time in returning to my room. Not even wasting a breath yet alone a glance at the sadness plastered over everyone's face. That's how things were for me since we arrived back. I felt like everyone was walking on eggshells around me. Afraid to say or do something that may trigger me. It made me sick.

~

It had been 8 days since Caleb died, 7 days since his body was taken back to Chicago. For the first time since his death, I slept though I didn't dream. For those few hours I had managed to sleep, I found peace in being unconscious. It was only when I woke up that the realisation hit me like a truck. His bed still in the state he had left it. His sheet thrown over as if he were in a hurry to get on that chopper the day we were supposed to be going home. Knowing he's not here, just made the world feel a whole lot smaller, and the peace I had felt in the darkness became my humble abode.

My body flinched at the sound when three soft knocks were heard on my bedroom door, and a wave of anxiety washes over me. Everything has me on edge, and I feel like I can't relax or let my guard down. I'm afraid that at any second, I'll be the one laying in the back of that vehicle, lifeless, with a sheet thrown over my cold body. I listened to the soft knocks on my door, counting them as I stared up at the ceiling. When I didn't answer the door, Simon let himself in. He was shirtless, his shoulder still banadanged from his wound he had gotten from the rescue, wearing only a fresh pair of black camo-pants.

"I'm still fine." I huff, keeping my eyes on the ceiling.

"I'm just checking on yo—"

"Yeah, yeah... Like the other 40 million times you did." I mutter under my breath.

"You're not the first women I've come across y/n. So I know when you say 'I'm fine' is complete bullshit."

"Okay... I'm fantastic. Is that better?"

He gives me a playful look in his eyes followed by a 'tsk' sound, and for a moment I forgot about all the pain and grief. Simon practically gravitated around me since Caleb died. Where I was— though mostly in my room, he was near. Always. Taking the time check on me to see if I was okay. He shoved his hands under his armpits, making the boulders he calls bicep muscles to swell.