How You Really Are | Jearmin

Part 2 | Chapter 9

Armin felt like he might never be able to let go of Jean again, never again in his entire life.

Even now, with his back to him asleep, he needed to hold him.

He hugged him as if he were the most precious thing in the world, probably because he was, at that moment and in each one from now on, he was.

He wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in his back. The feel of his body, his temperature, his scent; everything was impregnated in him at that moment, in each of these.

He had his hands open against his chest, using his touch gently to stay where he could feel his heartbeat, his breath, the simple movement of his chest.

No matter how big his body was in comparison to his, he had never felt smaller and more delicate in his arms.

That was probably the only reason Jean could sleep peacefully, his boyfriend's arms, the way he absorbed his suffering into himself.
That was probably the only reason Armin could still breathe, because he knew he was breathing for him, dealing with his pain so he could have some peace.

If necessary, Armin would not sleep and would watch with total love and dedication every little rise of Jean's chest, every breath escaping from his lips and re-entering, every moment in which his eyes could be closed calmly and his body so fragile and damaged, today resting with no notion of what was happening around him, being cared for and cushioned by the body of the person he loves the most in the world.

Armin had his forehead against Jean's back, counting each quiet breath as he felt the brunette's chest. Each one, because he couldn't help it. He had reached number one thousand counting a long time ago and would continue as long as necessary.

1001, 1002, 1003, 1004, 1005... 1110, 1111, 1112... 1365, 1366, 1367.

He was afraid.

He was so afraid.

Loving him so much now took its toll on him because, what is it like to love someone so much who is constantly going through all of this?

What has it been like to love him?

It was true, Armin had spent so many years with an anxiety that every day, every hour, every minute, every second... it stole a part of his being and broke him, playing with him, destroying him without warning, without reason, illusioning him to recover and then taking everything away.

He could suffer that, he could with it, it was fine. It was fine!

Yet... how could the universe curse someone with a heart as big as Jean's with that?

He could handle it... He could. But could he see someone else experience it?

He had never been on the other side, he had never seen or felt what it was like for someone else to have a panic attack, to think they were going to die, to be unable to breathe, to lose control and to feel like they can't do anything even if they know about what it is, that their own mind only does something like that to them.

It was horrible and painful in and of itself, his grandfather and his friends must have felt that way all their lives.

However, Armin had it even worse.

Not only did he has to experience that, to see a loved one going through such a bad experience trying to see if he could even help; he also had to do it while knowing every horrible, terrifying and heartbreaking moment, detail, feeling and horror that it was to go through it, because he had experienced it until he lost count of the times; and, as if that were not enough, he also had to finally recognize and feel what he knew (and now understood in his own flesh) he had made each person he has loved feel, who has loved him and who has been there for him in his life.