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"I don't know Steve, they are pretty bad at the moment," I told him.
Steve had been worried about Bucky's mind for a few weeks now. Ever since we had a run-in with Zemo his triggers had just been getting worse and worse.
Steve slept in the room directly across the hall from ours so if I was away on a mission he could keep an eye on him.
I had also only recently moved into our shared room so I needed the support from someone who had more experience dealing with it all.
"We used to sleep next to each other every night, but recently he's been waiting until I fall asleep and crashing in his chair" I revealed
"He's scared" Steve assumed, "he hates being unable to manage his unconscious mind"
"He won't even talk to me about it," I disclosed further, "he just pushes me away"
"He will. When he is ready" Steve reassured me as we both finished our cups of hot chocolate
We walked back down our hallway and I paused before I reached for the door handle.
"I'm right out here if you need anything y/n," Steve said
I nodded and smiled, then slowly turned the door handle.
Bucky was sitting comfortably on our bed in nothing but his briefs and half a sheet thrown over him. At first, he didn't even look at me walking in because he was so engrossed in his new book.
"Hey Doll,". He finally reacted to me
"Hey baby" I let out a forced smile as I noticed the blanket sprawled on his chair again. "You know I hear sleeping in an armchair each night is really bad for your spine"
Bucky scoffed, "Yeah I figured you would have sussed me out"
"Not just a pretty face"
"You certainly are," he said as he placed a bookmaker on his page and lay the book on the bedside table.
I climbed into bed next to him, instantly warming up from his body heat. "I'm not scared of you Buck"
"Well that makes one of us" he mumbled, "I'd love nothing more than to peacefully fall asleep holding you Doll. And for you to wake up safe in my arms."
"Then try it" I pleaded, "you're the only person right now getting in the way of that. And I'm sorry I don't mean to push you but you said yourself that you need to work through this"
He hesitated for a few moments, listing in his head all the things that could happen to me. "I'd never forgive myself if I hurt you y/n"
"I trust you," I whispered to him. My yawn indicated to him that he had to make his choice quickly.
"I'll try. For you" he kissed the top of my head before slouching into the bed more permanently.
I drifted off pretty quickly. Hearing his heartbeat and feeling his uncovered skin was more than comforting to my senses.
He thought about moving to his chair a few times. And wondered that if he did then would he be able to crawl back in before I woke up. But ultimately he decided against it and allowed himself to drift into his slumber, praying tonight wasn't haunted by his past.
Steve had just finished showering and stretching. A typical part of his before-bed routine. He liked to take his time getting ready for bed to help him relax and wind down. He was finishing off brushing his teeth when he heard a crash from the hall.
Steve ran to his door and threw it open, looking left and right. But the hallway was concerningly empty. He stayed alert and waited to see if the noise would repeat itself.
Just before he was about to return into his room he heard a crash and determined it had come from our room.
He threw the door open and saw one of his concerns right in front of him. Bucky was straddled on the bed, gritting his teeth and grunting. I was laying underneath, desperately clutching for breath and scrambling my arms to our nightstands to throw things off and alert Steve.
I knew Bucky would overpower me so I didn't even try to release his hands or move his arms. Steve was my only option here.
"BUCKY! STOP!" Steve screamed, running at him and tackling him off the bed.
I grabbed my red throat and inhaled the air, the experience had made it feel dry and harsh. Instinctively I sat up and regained my composure. Taking long and drawn-out breaths. Something Steve had taught us in training.
When I had finally begun to breathe at a normal pace I turned to see the 2 super soldiers on the floor. Steve was leaning and had all of his attention focused on Bucky. And Bucky had all his attention focused on me.
He watched my chest rise and fall, my cheeks flushed with color, my tear-stained cheeks, and the destruction of my desperate attempts to alert Steve.
"Bucky?" Steve tried to gauge his current state. Bucky sighed and held his head low in shame. As Steve looked at me we both let go a sigh of relief that he was no longer a danger to us in this moment.
"Doll, you need to go" Bucky muttered, "I told you it's not safe for you."
I jumped off the bed and sat beside him, lifting his face with my hands.
"Hey hey hey, look at me, Buck. I'm right here" I spoke quickly but clearly, "I am not going anywhere. That wasn't you. I know you would never hurt me"
"But I did" He huffed, reaching up to stroke the marks left on my neck, "even if it's not my mind, they are my hands."
I grabbed his hand and kissed his palm gently, raising it to my face. "I get that. I really do. But you were asleep the whole time Buck. Your hands were controlled by your mind. Baby you've got to start going back to therapy"
Bucky nodded. He had quit therapy the moment his court order had run out. I had suggested he go back a few times now, and we all had, but he refused.
"I will y/n. For us" Bucky agreed
"No. For YOU" I urged, "I'll be here no matter what. And Steve. And the rest of the team. Do this for you. And I was also wrong to push you. If you need to sleep in your chair while you work through this then do that. We'll just get you a comfy old man chair" I winked at him.
"I appreciate that Doll" he burst towards me to hold me tightly, still feeling guilty. "You're so amazing, I really don't deserve you"
