Right my Wrongs

Chapter 20- Just a little bit of regret

                                                             Ivy 

My heart aches as I say these words aloud but do I even have a choice? I'm shattered inside out. I'm sick of fighting my losing battle and I don't want Spencer to be a part of it...I don't deserve Spencer. We're from different worlds, after all. Spencer embodies maturity, decency, and everything I lack. It's almost comical, how someone as proud as Darcy ended up with a confident and assertive Elizabeth.

I'm emotionally unstable and perhaps that's why I'm with Jason. We're both broken in our own ways. But what am I supposed to tell Jason? That I've developed feelings for Spencer? That we kissed? I can't...I just can't do that.

"Tell me, Ivy. Why?" Spencer says in a roaring voice.

"I like you, but I don't deserve you. We're poles apart, and I'm broken. I have nothing to offer. My better place is drinking, partying, and all that crap," I mutter, unable to meet his gaze.

"You know what, Ivy? I think we're more alike than you realize. When you told me about your dad, it showed me that you, too, need someone to lean on. And who doesn't? Why are you putting up this tough facade? I don't believe that partying and drinking are your 'better place'—they're just an escape," Spencer responds, his words piercing through me. Warm tears stream down my cheeks, a mixture of frustration and self-realization. I always find a way to mess things up.

"Spencer," I sob.

"Don't, Ivy," he says firmly, cutting me off, and walks away. I don't like this vulnerability, this emotional mess. If I had a choice, I'd simply ignore the existence of these feelings. Sharing them only seems to push people away. Besides, deep down, I believe he's better off without me anyway.

I reconcile myself and pull my hair into a bun and head towards the class. After the class, I check my phone and notice 5 missed calls from Jason.

"Hey," I say over the phone.

"Hey. Where did you go?" Jason asks me. Fuck I forgot about him. I barged out of the cafe without telling him.

"Uh...I'm...I'm at my mum's.'' I lie.

"Oh, you didn't tell me.''

"Yeah, something urgent came up at home so I had to...go.''

"Oh okay...call me when you're back.''

"Sure thing. Bye.'' I say and hang up. Phew, that was smooth.

Maybe I should actually go and visit mum and Noah.

"Mumma, look, it's Ivy!" Noah spots me through the window.

"Hello, young lady," my mom opens the door as I stand on the porch.

"Hi, Mum. Why aren't you at the bakery?" I inquire.

"I was feeling a bit fatigue, so I decided to take the day off. Needed some rest. Shouldn't you be at college?" she questions.

"I got done with classes early...so I thought I should drop by.''

"Okay, okay, come in. It's cold outside. We were just about to have lunch," she interrupts.

I step inside, and the inviting aroma of Cobb salad and sandwiches fills my nostrils.

"Hi, Noah. How are you?" I greet him.

"Good... How come you're here today? You never visit us like this," he wonders.

"Um... I was missing you," I reply, patting his head.

Noah gives me a blank stare before settling into his seat, and my mom starts laughing.

"Come on, guys. Mum, how are you feeling now?" I inquire.

"I feel better now," she says, arranging the plates on the table just like old times.

"Can we eat now? I'm hungry," Noah groans.

"Yes," Mom replies.

"So, how's college going?" she asks, cutting her chicken into small pieces.

"Good, good," I respond.

"Why do you look so off? Did you get dumped?" My mom's unexpected question catches me off guard and I end up spilling my orange juice on my clothes and start coughing.

"Why do you ask?" I manage to ask between coughs.

"Here, have some water. And go change your clothes. Some of your clothes are still in your cupboard.''

My mom accompanies me to the room, and once inside, she whispers, "Now, tell me what happened?"

"Why do you think something happened?"

"I can tell by your face'' She replies with a warm gaze.

I sigh and go on, "So I am in bit of a situation...I really this guy. His name is Spencer. He's warm, kind and he get me.''

"What the problem in that? It's a good thing that you have someone like him in your life.''

"But, Mum," I continue, "the problem is... I don't think I deserve him."

She reaches out and takes my hand, offering reassurance. "Sweetheart, feelings of self-doubt are common, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Remember, you are worthy of love and happiness. Don't underestimate yourself."

Her words resonate within me, stirring a mix of emotions. I find comfort in her support, yet guilt gnaws at me for not disclosing the full truth. Although I feel unable to reveal the truth, sharing my feelings about Spencer gives me momentary relief.