A Strange Kind of Beautiful

Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

I was in the back of our classroom on November 18th. During lunch and recess, I liked to hang around there the most. She chose to join me when she noticed me sitting. At the time, I had no intention of confessing. However, there was no point in trying to dodge her question about who I was always glancing at.

"Si Cleo ba?"

"Si Rose?"

I shook my head.

"Ako?"

I went silent.

I can't help but feel self-conscious about myself. So, this is how getting caught feels like, and this is how telling someone you like them feels like?

"Tangina..." I covered my face. Hiyang hiya ako. Namumula ako.

I don't want to deny it anymore especially if my reaction was already obvious.

"Inunahan mo naman ako." I muttered.

"Fine. Fine. I like you."

"Alam mo naman na gusto kita." I added. She didn't comment about that. Alam niya nga. Naghihintay lang siya ng confirmation sa akin.

"Kind of... Medyo nahahalata kita."

"Lagi kaya kitang tinititigan." sabi ko.

"Napapansin ko 'yun."

There was a moment of silence. I don't know what to say. I don't even know what to do.

"So... what do you feel?" She asked me.

"I don't know..." It's hard to find the right words to say. But I must admit, the burden of those impulsive thoughts seems to lessen.

"I don't want to assume so I kept asking you." she said.

"But thank you for telling me though, kahit naunahan kita." she added.

The feeling of confession feels so different. The word you've been trying to say feels lighter now that it's been said, but there is also the worry that everything will suddenly alter.

"Things will surely change." I said.

Of course.

"Baka iwasan mo 'ko. Baka iwasan rin kita. No one knows." I added.

"Bakit naman kita iiwasan?" she asked me.

I would ask my future me that question to her again.

There are times we fear change, right? We just want to stay the way it is. But life doesn't really work like that. I would ask April the same question.

"Bakit mo ako iniwasan?"

Then I would get the answer I was looking for the whole time.

I asked myself if this was really the right time to tell her everything. But I was wondering when is that right time? For a moment, I regret it. If I had known the answer, I wouldn't do it in the first place. But then, I asked myself. What will happen? If we never did what we have to do?

"Cleo."

The way my heart dropped when I heard her name.

She told me she was the girl she liked. Jigsaw pieces coming together. Cleo and she had been friends from the beginning. They were being teased by several of my classmates that they look well together. I decide to disregard that. Delusions and denials made me blind. I also understand what it's like to make oneself look foolish. I only came to that realization after everything that had happened.

We haven't spoken for five days now, Emjae and I. We appear to be managing our lives on our own. I'm longing to tell her everything that has happened in my life recently, but I have no idea how she is doing.