A Strange Kind of Beautiful

Chapter 18:

Chapter 18:

Naririnig ba ng Diyos ang panalangin natin?

Kung may isa mang bagay na gusto akong hilingin sa kanya, magagawa niya kaya?

"Nakapasok ka na ba sa simbahan na 'yan?"

Months before...

Kimiro pointed the church. We were sitting on the bench watching as people walk inside that big entrance, everyone is always welcome.

The church was a big place yet a lonely one. I have never ever set my foot inside that church. I don't know why. Wala namang pumipigil sa akin. Hindi naman ako masusunog. Pero bakit ayaw kong pumasok?

"Tara?"

Tumayo siya.

I shook my head. Kimiro sighed and lend me a hand.

"Huwag kang matakot"

The sun's rays flowed through the brilliant windows, giving the chapel an endless glow of various colors.

The priest's speech echoed throughout the structure's walls. Two figures leading the entrance near the door constructed from an old oak tree. Those statues were angels, looking gentle and beautiful. They grieved and cried, their eyes dull their soul wailing, and their tears dropped till they were collected on the large shell they were holding.

I shook my head.

Hindi pa rin ako pumasok.

He understood and he sat beside me.

"Bakit?"

I shrugged my shoulders. But I know, inside my mind, I know what I've done. I know the reason.

I've made numerous major faults. I know exactly what I did. Nonetheless, I continue to do it. It offers me a rush of pleasure and an overpowering sense of ecstasy to not think about morality in this world. I was able to imagine several scenarios in which I could die. Despite the fact that I knew it was sinful.

How unfair and how fascinating to have morality standard but we only call it moral because it's good and beautiful.

Some people are hailed heroes for allowing euthanasia yet people are called monsters for committing suicide.

I faced an undeniable guilt. But guilt is just guilt. I never changed. The cycle repeats.

So, why would I ask for God's forgiveness? If my sorry's were habits but my wishes were desperate?

"Papasok lang ako diyan..."

Kimiro tilted his head to look at me when I began to talk.

"Kapag magbabago na ako."

Naririnig kaya ng Diyos ang bawat hikbi ko sa gabi?

Were my desperate plead be heard? When I tried to beg for this pain to stop? Did he ever do something? Or was God too busy handling other's pain because I know millions or billions are praying to him right now with their own wishes and prayers.

Am I still heard?

Kimiro was the type of guy who would insist you on doing some things. He may be persistent but he knows he just wanted me to be okay.

He also understands what it means to say no. Mapilit siyang tao pero alam niya kung saan siya titigil. That is one of his qualities that I like and dislike.

I looked at the church once again.

I never thought I would be sitting there not because I wanted to change. But because I was begging for help.