A Strange Kind of Beautiful

Chapter 12

Chapter 12:

I'm sorry.

What is an apology for you?

Why do people keep on apologizing on mistakes that they will likely to do again?

I've been staring at Emjae's message for a while. I did not respond. I don't want to reply.

"Sorry, I cancelled it."

"Sorry, hindi ako makakasama."

"Sorry, I can't do it."

"Sorry, I changed my mind."

I've been hearing that a lot from her. Changing minds, cancelling plans, locking her doors, impulsive decisions, losing interest, too much focus, changes in mood, irritability.

"Bakit ba ang bait bait mo sa'kin?" she asked once.

"Hindi kaya."

"Anong hindi?"

We were both lying on my bed. She faced me.

"Ang haba ng pasensya mo sa'kin."

I've been a patient person. Ilang oras, kaya kong hintayin. Ilang galit at inis, kaya kong tiisin. Ilang mapang-husgang mata, kaya kong hindi pansinin. Ilang kasalanan, kaya kong patawarin.

Patience is a virtue.

But I don't know when will I stop myself forgiving people, waiting for them, wasting my time. I can just walk away if I had to but I didn't. I stayed even though I hated the idea of it. Because I can't do anything. I don't want to lose everything.

Do I have the courage to stop giving people another chance? Am I worthy of the decisions I made? Is it all worth it? What could I have lost? What could I have gain?

I closed my eyes and let it all sink in. I want us to understand ourselves but I don't want to accept her apology yet. I hated debating whether I'll let it all slide or choose myself and validate these feelings of anger and sadness. Give it a chance to be okay or give myself a chance to take some time for these feelings to subside.

"Lasing ka na, Kiara!"

Tinawanan ko lang si Patrick at umiling. I saw my classmates on my 6th grade gathering for our batch reunion held in my old elementary school. Biglaan lang itong nangyari. We were invited by Charles and I was with my friend, Chelsea that time. We were strolling around the plaza to look for something fun.

Half of my classmates were there. There were bottles of alcohol on the table and they were casually having a conversation. Some faces are unfamiliar and I know some of them. Maraming tao sa may school. Sinabay na nila iyong reunion sa fiesta.

My brain was dizzy. I was surprised that, in contrast to the first time I tried drinking, the alcohol didn't taste at all bitter. We drank Ginebra San Miguel Gin combined with Yakult and juice, and I have no idea what they plan to do after that. I just noticed them lighting a spark within the beverage. I must say, it tastes great. It was not bitter at all and I've been drinking for no one knows how many bottles already.

It was near 12. When I went to the restroom to pee, I can feel myself stumbling to some places. Tinawanan nila ako. They boys told me to stop drinking na and I've had some of my girl classmates accompany me to sit. I kept laughing. I was red. I told myself I'm not drunk but my eyesight was getting blurry and my chest feels hot.

I called my cousin to escort me home. Mabuti naman at hindi ako pinabayaan ng mga kaklase ko. They were kind enough to volunteer to escort me home with my female classmates. I saw something like this in movies where I shouldn't be comfortable drinking with guys because they might do something. My instincts told me I'm safe with them.