A Strange Kind of Beautiful

Chapter 17

Chapter 17:

"What do you want to tell me?" I asked Emjae after a long pause of silence.

"Are you cutting off ties na?" I asked, this time, concise.

"You don't seem interested anymore so what's the point?"

"For you, distance is a big deal, and you don't think it will work out" she added.

"I'm not that great about expressing, Emjae. But I do want you to stay"

She told me everything before leaving me that night. But even all those words she told me, I am still bombarded with whys and what ifs.

"I don't want to cause you any more troubles, Kiara. I keep giving you headaches. I'm terribly annoying and noisy. I feel like a huge burden to you. I can't keep it, but I did try. You are so ahead of me. You basically shine when you're surrounded with people like Cleo and April. Hindi ko masabayan ang trip mo, and it terms of academics, I'm obviously not the best person whom you should hang out with. Your parents doesn't even like me, I've always felt like that even if you try to reassure me."

"I kind of forced myself when we started getting close, I was forcing myself out of my comfort zone because I feel like you're a good friend. I was right. Ako naman yung hindi mabuti para sa'yo. When I started showing the real me, nagka-distance tayo. It greatly severed our friendship. That was when I realized, maybe 'di talaga magtatagal."

"I was serious when I told you nandidiri ako sayo. To be honest, it was all my fault. I was just insecure and scared."

"There are times I am frustrated how you are so closed. I can't read you. I tried to talk it out, but you might not realize it, your walls are too high."

"And when I start noticing you getting along with people, I was glad and scared at the same time kasi inakala ko sa sarili ko, na kapag umalis na ako ay may mga makakasama ka pa. You then began going out with people, people that fits you, hang out with you. You look so happy."

"That time I asked you kung gusto mo ko samahan sa terminal, sabi ko 'wag na lang. I couldn't bear to see your face, so I just cried nung nasa biyahe na ako"

I would've hugged you if I knew that afternoon was the last time,I'd ever get to see you and be happy with you.

"Ako umalis pero ang kapal ng mukha ko umiyak. I have reasons why I left, and I wanted to be selfish for once. I wanted to prioritize myself, my healing because I was not getting well. I don't want to be held back by people. Sabi ko pa nun before school year, I will study then leave to get treated. Nawasak plano ko. You entered my life at wala na akong nagawa, I just enjoyed it hanggang sa wala na."

"I'll stop bothering you. Thanks for everything. I really enjoy spending time with you. Sorry for the troubles I caused you and that I really appreciate how you put up with my attitude and personality. So, I guess this is it."

"Please, don't hurt yourself."

Today, I walk along the other side of the street and past the locations where we used to hang out. I finished the movie we didn't continue because you were sleepy. I didn't have anyone to help me cross the road, but I managed to do it on my own. I travelled to places where we almost planned to go and slept without dreaming about you anymore. For a little while, it felt different.

Although living through the same day talking about grief makes me sad, God, the mundanity of this life is vile.

I read the poem I made.

It always breaks my heart

To see you drifting away

Waiting in my dreams most of the time