A Strange Kind of Beautiful

Chapter 16

Chapter 16:

July 10, 2023

I wrote in my journal.

Have you ever grieved about a person?

Ever since you left, I would get this sudden wave of loneliness. Every part of the house echoes your name. You died that night. We both died. You left. But you never really left. Ever since I lost you, something in me was missing. A part of me died that night, and since then, I don't feel whole again.

The nightmares are back, worse as I can remember. I wish I could just drown these nightmares in apathy but the only thing to make it stop was to not sleep anymore. You never let me get a good night sleep, but you left me tear stains on my eyes. I cried and I cried until I could not. The next morning, I would wake up just to cry again.

What have you done?

You hurt me so bad.

You left traces of your footsteps on the floor, you left some of your clothes, you left your room unlocked and when I opened it, everything just reminded me of you. You left your scent that was hidden behind your door. I ache, and I ache and grieved in your room until my eyes grow tired and everything went numb.

I don't get it. Why you would leave me that night. Why you ended up everything we've built.

I begged once. But I was never heard.

Why did you have to leave?

"What's the use of staying in a relationship even if it takes a lot of years to build, if you can't see a future about it?"

Ate Corinne decided to cut off her long-time friend. She told me their relationship was toxic. But their friendship lasted for more than six years.

"No matter how long you stayed, how much happiness it gave you, how much effort you received, and how much love you had... if you bear more pain and you can't see the future with that person, what's the point of staying?"

"Nasasayangan na tayo sa seven years, eleven years, or twenty years and we tend to stay kasi sasabihin mo, ang tagal na ng pinagsamahan namin. Pero anong silbi ng mga years na 'yun kung lagi kang nasasaktan? Lagi kang nawawala? Lagi kang nag-da-doubt sa sarili mo?"

"It's painful to cut off someone you've valued once."

"But it's more painful to stay on someone who has done nothing but to break your heart."

"You always value what you have in the past, and not about the future."

It did not make a lot of difference in school when Emjae left. But it impacted me a lot and it saddened some of the people whom she's close with. The light from the morning sun filtered through my room's drapes. My alarm went off before I even realized. I don't know how long I've been staring at the empty ceiling.

I've been recalling what I did last night. I was still in Emjae's room. She really left. I don't hear her footsteps anymore. I slowly got up to bed pero hindi ako umalis roon. I sat on the bed while hugging my pillow. I looked around.

The room changed. My things are already here. I spent the whole night crying while fixing my things. But it still smells like hers.

The first thing I did that morning was to go back to bed again. Tears pooling down my cheeks. I cried again and again. I do not have the appetite to eat, nor the strength to get out of bed and go to school. I just stayed in my room. Mamaya na lang ako papasok. Kakayanin ko naman siguro.

But that afternoon, I felt nothing but a shame. Sana hindi na lang nga talaga ako pumasok. My mind was blank and I felt out of world, like someone invincible.