A Strange Kind of Beautiful

Chapter 15:

Chapter 15:

I was thinking of all the possible scenarios if Emjae was finally leaving. I would shed a tear every time I tried to imagine it. I am picturing myself planning on what I should do when that time comes where I don't see her anymore. I tried to make it stop and I tried to sleep it off.

But sleep eluded me. It's already three in the morning. May pasok pa mamaya. But no matter how I tried to close my eyes, may naririnig na naman akong boses. They were loud and nonstop. Mga busina ng sasakyan, mga tawa ng kaklase ko, sigawan ng mga tao, that even though my body is physically tired, I have to force myself to wake up bago ako bangungutin ulit.

Every time I would get another nightmare like this, si Emjae ang una kong pupuntahan. I would prepare my blanket and pillow and I would knock on her door and she would let me in. I would be able to sleep peacefully after that.

Iba na ngayon.

Hindi ako lumapit sa kanya. My room was dark, and the door was locked. I squeezed my eyes shut at pinilit na bumangon sa kama. My feet would touch the cold floor as I walked nearby the switch. I turned on the lights.

I found myself randomly cleaning my room.

Kahit pagod na pagod ang katawan ko, pinilit ko pa rin. Hindi rin naman ako nakatulog after that. It took me an hour to finish. It was already four in the morning. I ironed my uniform. I also played some music pero kahit ilang bagay ang gawin ko, magulo pa rin ang isipan ko.

I was contemplating whether I should go to school or just stay? Take a rest. Because I think I deserved it. But I would miss some lessons and we have a summative test this morning.

I sighed and sat on the cold floor. I leaned my back on the door. Hindi ko na alam kung anong nangyari na sunod. Pero naramdaman ko na lang ang mga luha ko na pumapatak sa aking braso. After that, I couldn't stop crying.

If Emjae leaves, who will stop my nightmares?

I spent the weeks mostly doing nothing but to think of problems that don't even exist.

After that Prom, Kimiro never bothered talking to me again. That's understandable naman. I know he's keeping his distance by avoiding me. Halos wala namang ganap sa buhay ko after that except from someone that I've been talking to recently.

It was Kim. Not Kimiro, but Kim. She's a girl. We've been talking for weeks now, and she confessed that she had a crush on me. Well, it started that one random afternoon. My grandmother visited me sa boarding house at may dala dala siyang aroyo na siya mismo ang gumawa. The first person I thought about was Cleo. She loved this. Luckily, when I went outside to buy some ice, I saw them walking downtown with this unfamiliar girl which was Kim. Cleo mentioned uuwi raw ang friend niya and she can't wait to hang out with her.

"Cleo!"

I called her. Narinig niya ako. She and her friend stopped, and I hurriedly went upstairs to get some aroyo. Her reaction was priceless knowing it was her favorite. Tuwang tuwa siya. The way she thanked me and smiled made me feel valued. She waved good-bye and thanked me enthusiastically.

That night, Kim and I started talking. She was grateful about the aroyo. She also told me she was from Manila. Nagbakasyon raw muna siya rito. Hanggang sa ilang days na kami nag-uusap at umabot na rin ng weeks. She even visited the boarding house para tumambay muna saglit sa kwarto ko.

The only thing I can describe to her was distraction.

Cruel as you may hear it but she made me forget some problems and thoughts that's been eating me lately. Kahit papano, nakalalabas na ako and we would go to places, eat food, even bought matching bracelets. Not until the day she confessed. The issues that I had previously pushed aside like a mound of laundry suddenly piled up in front of me. Doubts, anxiety, and guilt again.