Already Home // Harry Styles

Some Nights

7th December, Brazil

What on earth was I doing? Had I lost my mind completely? Very possible. Lost my mind and all of my 'new house' savings to top it off.

The day after Gemma's dinner party, I had kept my date with Ben but my head wasn't in it. I was basically absent the entire time. He did the majority of the talking and I'm ashamed to say I barely even heard a word he said. Even more ashamed to admit that he had noticed. He asked me over and over if I was okay. I pleaded ignorance, claiming there had been too many glasses of Prosecco the night before and I was feeling just a bit tender. Lying to him wasn't something I felt proud of. I don't think I had completely ruined things with him but you never know so early on. Again, ashamed to say it was only a passing thought anyway. My mind was far far to preoccupied to think too deeply about Ben right now. The only thing on my mind had been the conversations the night before.
To add to my already full mind, Charlie had sent an email (very formal of him!!) asking me to meet to discuss the mortgage and the apartment. Guess he was done paying half a mortgage on a place he wasn't living in. I couldn't blame him really. I had been living there now alone 4 months and hadn't been looking too hard for somewhere else to live. I had replied and told him we could meet for a coffee in the near future. No date or time, nothing too concrete. I wasn't sure how ready I was to see him face to face again. Truth be told, I was quite frightened it would bring up feelings and hurt again after I was doing so well in my healing journey.

Gemma had text me this morning apologising for crossing over the line but agreeing to meet me. I had questions and I knew she had the answers. In the back of my mind I also knew she wouldn't give me the answers. Sober Gemma would never talk about whatever her brother told her in confidence. Normally drunk Gemma wouldn't either but something seemed to have switched in her last night. She seemed frustrated and at the end of her rope. We met later that afternoon for a coffee.

"Please just spell it out for me Gemma. So many versions of what you were insinuating are swirling around my mind and I'm driving myself crazy" I practically begged her.
If I'm being completely honest, even if she did spell it out, I'm not sure what I would do with that information. I hadn't yet figured out how I felt about any of it yet. It had all come out so suddenly that I felt nothing but confusion and a looming sense that things were about to change forever. The only thing I knew for absolute sure was that I could not loose my friendship with Harry ever.

"I can't Addison, I'm sorry. I should never have said anything to begin with" she answered.

I could see written across her face that she was genuinely remorseful and I couldn't push her any further. She felt bad and couldn't apologise enough. I was still unsure whether she had told Harry about our conversations the night before. I figured she would have.
She told me that Harry and I should speak, face to face, fully open and honestly. How does one even broach that out the blue? 'Oh H, I know we've been friends forever, but what exactly do you feel for me and are these love songs about me?!' Like come on, that's just not feasible is it!

I tentatively threw into conversation to her that I had been looking at flights out to Brazil to meet him. I had some time off before Christmas and the flights out of London timed well with his tour dates. I wanted to gauge her reaction and straight away she was eager for this to happen. Too eager if anything. Helping me book tickets, offering to look after Stanley, calling up Harry's assistant to make sure I was put on the guest list for the show and given a room in Harry's hotel. She even managed to convince me to keep it a surprise for Harry. I wasn't fully sure that was the way to go but here I was! On a flight to South America with only one person out there knowing I was on my way! Was springing it on him a good idea? I wasn't even sure if I would mention it if Gemma hadn't already,
Through some miracle, I had managed to get Taylor and Ricky to come along for the ride. They didn't know exactly what the ride was, but a trip to Brazil, albeit a short one, is a trip to Brazil!
I'd sold it as my Christmas gift to them. Maxed out my credit card for the pleasure but I felt like I might need some moral support on this trip incase it was a disaster.
Ugh, I was thinking too much! I was going to visit my friend, I had done this 100's of times in the past so why was I feeling so much anxiety.