Already Home // Harry Styles

To Be So Lonely

26th October, London.

"Girls, honestly" I sighed a few days after the break up, placing a hand on my forehead and letting my eyes drift shut. Only briefly, only for a moment. Whenever I closed my eyes I saw myself and Harry lying in the dark, whispering things back and forth with warm breath and soft lips. The kind of stuff you only speak aloud in the dark. Every time I closed my eyes it was different memory. "I'm fine" I sighed out to them. I wasn't. Alls I could feel was tears pressing at my sinuses and I wanted to cry or be sick. I would do neither. I'm holding it together. That was the plan. Just hold it on together until it passed. Meg and Taylor being sat either side of me in my bed like this though, alternating between rubbing my back and running there fingers through my hair was proving difficult. The pain in my sinuses was getting stronger and stronger.

"I just still can't believe it's all real" Taylor mumbled, shifting herself so she could sit cross-legged. She'd made me tell her again for the 100th time about the movie and the location and the length of time he would be gone. I think she was trying to be helpful and find a solution for us but there just wasn't any good ones. Just talking so much about it wasn't entirely fun if I'm honest but they seemed to think it would help. I hadn't outright said they were part of the reason I was staying, I didn't want to guilt them like that but I think they both knew deep down.

"He won't stop calling Ads. Maybe you should speak to him" Meg said quietly. My phone had been set in do not disturb and I had barely even glanced at it. I knew there would be calls and messages from him. Probably from Gemma and Anne too. I didn't want to talk to any of them. He'd been calling Taylor and Meg too. They told me that straight away. They hadn't answered, neither of them. Even though I told them they could speak to them if they wished.

"I can't talk to him. I've told you this. If I let him, he's going to give everything up for me and I can't let him do that. This has been his dream. He can't miss out on that for me" I shrugged.

"I know, we know. It's just so sad you have had to put yourself through all this. You love him so much you're breaking yourself for him. It's just so sad" Meg said, a little tear escaping her eyes. She shouldn't be this hormonal this early on should she?

"We were only together a few months guys, you can talk to me as if it was any random guy I was seeing for a little while, it's okay. I was with Charlie for much longer and I got through that okay. I'll be fine. I will be absolutely fine" I said, flopping my head back against the pillow and letting out a loud sigh.

"Honey, you and Harry have been in love for 15 years. This is not something that's a few months. He was your person. You don't have to hide it with us. We are here for you. This is horrible, you don't have to pretend you are ok." Taylor said, grabbing my hand and squeezing it. Unknowingly, she squeezed it three times and the muscle memory of it took me right back to Harry and I flinched.

"I think horrible is still to come. Right now it's worse. Right now Im just trying to keep from dying. I feel like I can't breath. I can't breath Tay" I said, finally speaking the truth so how I felt and instantly two pairs of arms surrounded me and held me too them. I let it out then. I cried into their shoulders and they let me take all the time I needed.

For a week I stayed in the flat and worked from home. I was irrationally so scared I would bump into Harry and if he just looked at me a certain way I would crumble and let him give up on his dream for me. I missed him so much I genuinely felt like I was dying. There was a constant pain in the centre of my chest that felt like I was being crushed from the inside out. But I had to just keep going. Knowing he would get to leave the legacy he dreamed off kept me strong. He deserved that after how hard he worked every single day. He deserved everything he wanted. And really what did I deserve? I didn't deserve to keep him here. I'm not sure I ever deserved him in the first place. What made me special? Nothing. The little lonely girl I once was was destined for nothing but to become a lonely woman. I was okay with that fate if Harry got to have everything he ever dreamed of.