Already Home // Harry Styles

Begin Again

14th April, London

"Can you relax?" I start, reaching across the sofa to grab his hand. As I squeezed lightly, a little bit of the tension dropped from his brow, momentarily at least. "You look like your about to be sentenced to life in prison or something" I laugh, trying to lighten the mood.

"Feels like something similar to that" he mumbled, with his other hand he was nervously fiddling with his finger nails. "I'll try, I'm sorry" he added, in a more confident voice.

"Breath, relax, it'll be okay" I shifted myself closer to him on the sofa, pulling both his hands into my lap and holding them tight. To stop the fiddling more than anything. Whenever he did it, I knew he was feeling anxious and I wanted to ease it for him.

We sat for what felt like an eternity in an uncomfortable silence. Neither of us seeming to want to start the conversation.

"Silence is loud huh?" I laughed, smiling to him.

"I'm sorry, I just don't know what to say other than I'm so fucking sorry and I'm an idiot" He raised his head from its bowed position and looked at me squarely in the eye. Eye contact with an apology was extremely important.

"Would you have told me Harry? If it hadn't been recorded and went viral on the internet?" I asked. Might aswell jump into it.

His brows furrowed together, his face looking contorted like he was in pain.
"Honestly" he sighed, chewing on his bottom lip "I have no idea what I would have done. Maybe not, I don't know. I wish I had a more definitive answer".

"Have there been others? Apart from her?" I asked, an uneasy feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. I'd wrestled over asking. I'm not sure I wanted to know.

"I met a girl in Argentina a few days before you arrived in Brazil. She was going to come out to Brazil for a few days, hang out or whatever. But then you were there, and everything happened and so, I just never.. you know" he shrugged his shoulders. If I hadn't arrived in Brazil when I did, he could have been infatuated with this new girl by now. If there was one thing important about Harry, it was that when he felt anything for anyone, he felt deeply and quickly. It almost felt like fate had stepped in there.

"I havn't slept with anyone else since you if that's what you want to know. And you know..." he started "in Tokyo, I didn't sleep with her".

"You didn't?" I asked, shocked. I watched those videos over and over, analysed every micro movement of his body. It sure looked like that's where it was headed to me.

He shook his head, no. "In the name of honesty and getting everything out in the open, because I'm not going to keep anything from you Ads, we were going sleep together. I had drank so much and someone was passing around lines and then it just didn't work. I couldn't get hard, at all. I lay there in bed for a while with her and then when I started to sober up, I thought what the fuck am I doing and called Kiko to get me out of there. Another lovely viral video" he cringed. "I'm sorry".

I sat quietly, nodding my head, absorbing the information. Processing. He didn't sleep with her, but only because he was so beyond inebriated. I had already decided to forgive him for sleeping with her, so did this really make a difference? It didn't, but hearing it come out of his mouth stung like hell.

"I'm sorry" he repeated pulling me out of my own head, squeezing my hand he was still desperately holding on to.

"You don't have to apologise anymore" I said quietly "I'm sorry for the silence. I'm sorry for continuously ignoring your texts. I needed time, Thank you for giving me it. But Harry, I've forgiven it. I'm not sure if that's the right word. It wasn't technically a betrayal you know" I shrugged, a small wry smile tugging at the corner of my mouth. Neither of us believed that.
"It's well... I was about to say forgotten about, but that would be a lie. I probably won't forget it for a while, but I'm not angry at you" I assured him, lifting one hand and resting it on his cheek for just a moment.