Already Home // Harry Styles

Cosy Little Christmas

23rd December, Holmes Chapel

London Underground in December is hell. Pure hell. Stuffy, hot, overcrowded. Everyone's in layers upon layers of clothes to shield from the freezing bitter cold outside, so by time you get underground the sweat is pouring and it's safe to say that a lot of people get a bit smelly. Not a great recipe for a packed train where people are literally touching toe to toe. Trying to drag my suitcase and bags on with me, I was flooded with regret that I didn't splurge for an Uber. I had rationalised I had splurged too much lately and really needed to save my money for a new apartment.  But god I wish I had tested myself.
By time I reached Euston, I felt disgusting and shedded all extra layers I could.
The train ride to Crewe was uneventful. Air conditioning turned on which I was thankful for. Might have been cold but it's better than sweating.
It's less than a 2 hour journey. Not enough time to have to get any work completed so I spent the time very productively. Scrolling through TikTok. I was just as addicted as the rest of the world. Reddit story times are my fav.

Harry was waiting in the car park once I arrived at the station.

"I told you I would get on the train" I said after I had thrown my bags into the backseat.

"It's a 20 minute drive, for the love of god stop making a big deal of it" he pleaded, laughing softly.

We had spoken a couple of times since I got back from Brazil. Nothing serious, his work, my work, how I spent the rest of my time in Brazil. We didn't once touch on the things that had happened between us. I'm not sure if that was for the best to be honest. Ignoring it and pretending it didn't happen or bottling it up until we had too many mulled wines and then letting it all out. Who knew what the answer was here. It was new territory.

"In fact, I still don't get why you didn't just drive down from London with me days ago" he added on, pulling out into the main road.

"Because funnily enough Harry, my life doesn't revolve around you. I do have other friends and commitments y'know" I retorted playfully.

It had been a bit of a busy time since I got back. I had two more days in Brazil after Harry left. Those nights, I'm not going to lie, I did spend devouring videos of Harry's last shows. Trying to see if there was any change of him, any indication that things were going to change with us. But he was an ultimate professional and put on a show no matter what.

Once I got back, I had that coffee date with Charlie. We met at deer coffee round the corner from my flat. Walking around there was a nauseous blur of emotions. Sadness, anxiety, fear, anger. The first time seeing an ex was never a pleasant affair was it. Sitting down in front of him, I felt like I was being strangled from the inside. He looked good, different. He had grown out his stubble and I had to admit it really suited him. He looked like he had been hitting the gym, he had a fading tan and he had new clothes on. I had known every item of clothing he had owned, picking a lot of out for him myself. I couldn't help but stare at the pale blue sweater he was wearing for what felt like forever. I'm not sure why that was the part that struck me the hardest. Someone else could be picking out his clothes for him. Dragging him into shops and telling him he would look great in blue. That it would bring out the beautiful colour of his eyes. He really did have spectacular eyes. My heart contracted and I swallowed down the tears that threatened to spill.

"I got you a coffee" was the first thing he said as I sat.
He had gotten me my usual order. Another annoying thing about ex's. They still knew you inside out. They knew your daily routine. All the little quirks you had. Charlie was the only person who knew the exact moment I was in a deep enough sleep so that the TV could be turned off. I have never been able to fall asleep in silence. Not a surprise, as a child I used it to block out the arguments that happened at home. Now as an adult, if I lay in silence my mind would never shut off enough to fall asleep. Charlie understood that, accepted it. Was the designated remote holder. I'm not sure why that was the part of our relationship that was invading my memory in that moment but it felt important. How long until someone else knew me that well?