Already Home // Harry Styles

Would've, Could've, Should've

20th December, London.

I tried to open my eyes but my eyelids felt so heavy. There was an incessant beeping coming from somewhere behind my head that I desperately wanted to switch off though so I persisted. A few seconds of my eyelids fluttering before they finally opened. It took a minute for my eyes to adjust. It wasn't bright in here but there were spot lights in the ceiling. Two white, one green. An emergency exit light. It was a place I recognised, full of equipment I was familiar with. A hospital.

"Lisa, her eyes are open!" I heard a voice shout out. Lisa? Who was Lisa? I knew nobody by that name. I tried to turn my head or sit up to see who was in the room but every muscle felt stiff and slow. My brain felt so fuzzy too that it felt like it was on slo-mo. I couldn't place this environment and me together anymore. I left this work a long time ago. 

"I'll get the doctor" I heard another female voice reply. What was happening? I wiggled my fingers and toes. Just to make sure I could. It felt weird and achy.  The beeping was still going. A monitor. The now familiar beep beep beep of an ECG rising the more the brain fog was slowly clearing. I rotated my wrists and my ankles, getting some movement back into them. They felt the kind of stiff like when you wake up after the deepest longest sleep and you haven't moved the entire time. There was a dull ache across my abdomen I noticed too. Nothing I couldn't handle but it was there.

"Addy" I heard a familiar voice sigh out from the doorway. He came closer so I could see his face. Charlie. "Do you need some water?" He asked after I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. My mouth was so dry it felt like sandpaper and my lips so cracked they were instantly sore when I parted them. He brought a cup to my mouth with a straw already in it. "Just sip it Ads" he instructed and I did, letting the water sit on my tongue and moisten my mouth for a few seconds.

"Dr Preston, fancy seeing you here" I croaked out, my voice cracking at the end. I took another sip of the water before he placed the cup back on the side. I watched as he pulled a chair up to my side and took my hand in his.

"What do you remember?" He asked and I closed my eyes and searched my memory for the last thing I could remember. As soon as I did, it all came flooding back. The packed street, the flashes of bright lights, the yelling, tripping over the curb, the car hurtling at me.

"I was hit by a car" I said in a quiet voice, my throat still a little raw. "Just give it to me straight"

"Right. You were brought in as a trauma. You were unconscious and GCS 4 so we had to intubate" he said and his eyes flickered closed. I wondered if he was the one who had to do it. That would have been tough on him. I could only imagine what seeing someone you know in that state can do to your mind. GCS 4 in a trauma is a scary thing. In fact thinking about it, was Charlie on an ITU rotation? Why was he here telling me what happened and not one of the consultants. I can only imagine he asked to do it which could mean he was going to tell me something bad.

"How long have I been out?" I asked.

"5 days. It's the 20th now" he said, his eyes not locking on mine.

"Okay so it's been bad. Just tell me" I asked, squeezing his hand.

"You were a trauma so obviously we did all the fast scans. You had a head lac, scalp lac, a broken finger, a fractured tib, a pneumothorax and an abdomen full of blood and a lot of scrapes and bruises. The surgeons did a chest drain and then a laparotomy and you had ruptured your spleen and had a liver lac. They did a splenectomy but your Hb dropped so low they had to infuse massive amounts and it was touch and go. Your blood pressure tanked. Oh my god! Addy I was so terrified" he said, his voice breaking at the end. He dropped his head onto my hand and I felt wet tears fall onto my hand. I let him be for a moment and just stroked the top of his head. My hands running across that head of hair like they had done hundreds of times in the past.