Already Home // Harry Styles

Flatlining

14th December, London

There was one communication from Harry after I went into his house and packed up my thing's. Another drunken voicemail.

"You took your stuff? You cleared everything out and brought one of my friends to help you do it? Why are you doing this to me Addy? Why won't you just talk to me? This is fucking ridiculous. It's been 2 months. Stop this and just talk to me for fucks sake! I feel like I don't know you at all lately"

He was angry, that was clear from the tone of voice. Good, angry was better than the pain. He was moving forward. I still hadn't managed to be angry towards him yet.

I didn't reply. His words hurt but I understood.
We just can't be friends anymore. There's no coming back from this. I pulled the plug on it and let the line go flat so there's no coming back from that.

He should have known I wouldn't be able to go there alone. The stillness was appalling. I'd been alone in the house before but this felt very different. As I stood for a moment, rocking slightly as though the emptiness had a hold of me and desperately trying to shake reality into me, I felt like I could actually see the ghosts of the past me running around the house laughing. I heard a single drop of water hit the bottom of the sink, the rumble of the fridge, the hum of electricity you can only hear when everything else is silent. Being there alone, the stillness would have wiped me out.

I missed him so much that it was a constant ache within my body. But I missed him quietly, so as to not let my circle worry about me any further. I missed him so quietly that no one noticed. I missed him as soon as I woke up, I missed him in the shower. I missed him as I sat on the bus to the office and watched the rain hit the windows. I missed him every time Stanley sat and purred out for dreamies. I missed him every time I scrambled eggs and or opened my wardrobe to choose an outfit for the day. I missed him as I kicked off my shoes and sat down on the soda and every time I switched off the lights and climbed into bed. I missed him without tears or noise. I missed him without anyone noticing how much. But my god, I felt it. I felt it every second of the day. I felt it as I woke, as I waited, as I worked. I felt it at home, at work, in the light, in the dark, in the rain. I felt it in every waking moment, each one sitting heavier ad heavier as the weight of missing him grew. I missed him quietly but I felt it so incredibly loudly.

After Louis helped me bring all my stuff home, he made me promise to come up to Sheffield a few days later. It was his homecoming show. That's always a big deal for any artist. I wasn't sure I was up to it but he's always been a stubborn bitch so he wouldn't take no for an answer.
Carly and Ally agreed to come with. They lived within an hour away so it was a good excuse for us all to get together and let off some steam. Taylor was staying behind as she had some wedding meetings to attend and Meg was going to go along with her.
Equally, it had been a few years since I saw any of Lou's family. I was a little nervous about infiltrating myself there. In my teens and early 20's I spent quite a bit of time with Lottie, the eldest daughter. Gemma, Lottie and I became a little trio during some tours. We would hang out and keep each other sane. There's only so much hanging around with a gang of teenage boys a girl can do.
Lottie and I lost touch over the years, our lives moved in different directions but once upon a time she was really important to me. I hoped that things wouldn't be awkward or strained.

Honestly I shouldn't have worried. I should have known better. I got to the venue mid afternoon, flanked by two of my best girls. Within seconds of being in the green room with Louis's friends and family I was welcomed with open arms. Lottie was the first one over to me. Running towards me with a her signature big bright smile and her arms stretched out. She enveloped me in the biggest hug, telling me how much she had missed me.