Already Home // Harry Styles

Where Do Broken Hearts Go?

5th November, London

The last few weeks had been better. A little better anyway. I was moving away from heart shattering pain to just plain old heart break. I know this was all on me, it was my decision but it didn't make any of my suffering less. A few months ago I was flying and so quickly I switched to falling. Plummeting to the ground.
There was one day when Harry went live on instagram, my last remaining social media. Straight away, going live was an unusual bizarre thing for Harry to do, but the content was equally as odd. He didn't say much, anything at all really. He just sang. An unreleased song, not one I'd ever heard before.

"I guess I'm prone to overthinking,
One thing goes wrong and I can't adjust,
I've lost the taste for the good in us,
And I'm sorry.
We had a hunger then,
Only each other then,
Couldn't get enough when we started.
Always a hunger then.
Now its just emptiness,
We were in love, we were starving,
We had a hunger then"

The pain in his voice was evident. It was horrible, for me anyway. Everyone else in the world was eating up this unreleased song, loving it. To me, it was just pure pain and sadness.
Taylor had been having semi regular contact with Harry after that and told me just the bare minimum. He was okay. He was enjoying the work. He was looking forward to getting really into the shoot.
A short while later there started to be was almost daily photos of Harry being leaked with the same beautiful leggy blonde actress. In and out of clubs constantly. He'd cut his hair really short. Those beautiful curls I loved to wrap around my fingers were gone and for some reason that little fact broke my heart even more. I'd always loved running my fingers through the wild curls at the nape of his neck or the one little rogue curl that always flopped into his eyes. That one was my favourite. It was gone now.  That felt symbolic somehow.
Once this happened, I asked Taylor to stop. I didn't need to hear more. I wanted Harry to move on, to be happy, but it happening this quick just destroyed me and was halting any progress I was making.
Not to mention the comments about me. People I didn't even know confirming I was never right for Harry anyway. Saying it was never going to work. I was too normal for him. Comment after comment. After a week or so of this, I deleted my last remaining social media and I was officially in a blackout. I didn't see anything after then and it really did make things easier. No one mentioned him around me, there was no more messages or voicemails. It was easier. I'm not sure my friends would think the same as they had to be wary of what they spoke about but I appreciated it. At least for now, it's what I needed.

I hadn't forgotten him obviously. The feeling of wanting him is still as raw and red and as real as it ever was. I still ache physically if I think about the feel of Harry's hands on my knee at a restaurant or the way he would place his palm across my lower back and guide me through a busy street. The heat of his kiss or the flush of his flesh after Sunday mornings in bed together.
They would always be there I'm sure but it was becoming less intense. The feeling that the memories would kill me was becoming less and less and instead there were some memories I could have that would make me smile and be grateful for. Every time I gazed up at a starry night, I thought of him and I smiled.

Meg was almost 5 months pregnant now. We knew she was having a boy and our flat had become a chaos of delivery after delivery. Just boxes everywhere. We became real pros at building flat pack furniture. A little set of drawers that doubles as a changing table. We built a cot and a rocking chair. A little tiny bookcase. It was good to have something to be excited about. We flipped through baby books and discussed names she liked. Archie and Jude seemed to be the front runners at the moment. I was lobbying hard for Teddy and Theo. The only thing all the girls agreed on was staying far away from any names beginning with J! It was the perfect distraction.
Carly became quite a regular on our sofa when she had a few days off in a row too. It was  all under the guise of being there for Meg and helping out with the seemingly endless tasks that come with expecting a baby but I knew there was more going on there. She'd mentioned briefly that she wasn't having the best time at her work and she was struggling. Whatever her reason, having her around was great. It almost felt like being back at uni. Hanging around on sofas, watching romcoms which we picked apart and yapped about how unrealistic they were and eating cheap packet noodles and pints of ice-cream. It was lovely.