"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."
- Albert Schweitzer
[trigger warning: this s...
It's my birthday in 2 days. I'm leaving my 20s behind. And you know what? I haven't thought about it for a second! I used to always have this big fear of turning 30 and feeling like I had to have my shit together by then. Now, who cares! I'm happy and surely that's the only thing that matters in the end. Wasn't that the real success of a person? It's taken me a very long time to figure that out. Besides, this tour and the travelling has consumed everything in me. I'm honestly exhausted by it. How people do this continuously baffles me. It's confirmed that I'm a real home bug and need my own space and my own bed and to be surrounded by my own things. And I missed my cat fiercely. London might be a bloody nightmare a lot of the time but I was excited to get back there.
Today was a big day. Huge even. I was freaking out about it and yet Harry seemed relatively calm this morning. The past week or so had been wonderful. Relaxing and rejuvenating. We'd been bathed in sunshine and it had seemed to bring us all back to life. In Madrid we explored a museum that had one of the biggest collections of art in the world. Valasquez, Goya, El Greco. It was a dream. We went to a winery in Toledo and got so tipsy we fell asleep in the middle of the afternoon and missed the dinner reservation. In Portugal we stayed a few miles outside of the city of Lisbon and the hotel we stayed at had a balcony in the room that opened right out to the water. You know how every London girly will say the best part of a holiday is sitting on the balcony in a towel with Fanta lemon and a packet of lays? It was like that on crack. Forever in my mind will I have etched the image of walking up to Harry standing at those doors, the bright blue sky behind him, hearing waves crashing in the distance. It was like something out of a fairytale. My whole life had been a fairytale the past couple of months. Today that would be ending.
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It would be the first time Harry and I would see Jeff since he left London. I'm not gonna lie, deep down I have been stressing about it. Would he say anything about the incident? Would he tell me what he was pulling and why? I was kind of scared he would tell me I wasn't right for Harry and that I was hurting him by being with him. I mean, I know I know, it shouldn't matter what others think but it did. I couldn't help but care. I didn't wanna negatively affect Harry's career. What if Jeff and others in his circle saw things I didn't? What if they saw this wasn't right? My friends were biased obviously so they wouldn't say that. I couldn't say any of this to Harry though. I wasn't gonna add to his stress levels and I knew that he would say he would leave his career, ditch Jeff if that's what it took for me to have piece of mind. Never gonna happen. I truly believe Harry would give me the moon out of the sky if that's what I desired. He seemed to have this mad idea that I deserved much more and he had to provide me the best life humanly possible. He just hasn't figured out that he already had. God listen to me, so cringey. I was down bad.
Friends and family had got in yesterday morning. And I mean ALL of them. From all corners of the world. It was overwhelming. First we had brunch with his friends who had come over from America. The only one I knew was James who had been a close friend of Harry's for a long time. The others I had never met so for me this was like the closest feeling I could get to meeting the parents and it was terrifying. I'm pretty awkward as it is around new people and this felt like I was auditioning for approval. An awful feeling to be honest. The only relief was that this would be it for this kind of experience. I planned on being with Harry for the rest of my forever so this was it. I think it went well. They all included me and made an effort to chat to me. James was also like a perfect person as an in between buffer you know? He could hold command over a table and when he did he would always bring me to the forefront of the conversation so I never once felt like the odd man out.
