Riddles Of Death - Tom Kaulitz

Rough Canvas

July 10th, 2007

"I fucking HATE you!" I cried to my sister, tears in my eyes as I slam my door shut, causing it to almost be off its hinges.

"I hate you more you dumb bitch!" she yelled back, her door slamming shut as-well.

I slid down the door, tears balling up in my eyes. I screamed, screamed until I felt my throat shatter. I crawled into a ball, a ball made of a child who wanted nothing but love, nothing but a good relationship with her family, a child who wanted to be protected, but that wasn't the case. The house went tongue-tied, no noise, no radio to fill the silence, just soundless. The quietness filled my head, I was drowning in my thoughts, I couldn't make out any-I was just drowning.

I've craved love ever since I was a little girl, but it always felt like something I had to beg for. Love has never been free in our house, it always came with a cruel price. The little girl inside me begged for someone to love her, for someone to notice her, for someone to put loving her first. I wish love didn't come with such a heartbreaking price.

I got up from the puddle of tears I had created beneath me. I slowly walk over to my drawer, my drawer of "special things", my drawer containing things any depressed and suicidal teenager might have; Scissors, a sharpener, a small knife, tissues coloured red, the colour of the cold and dried cuts on my wrists. I felt so alone, I wanted to die, I was only 15 and I wanted to die, I shouldn't want to die at 15. I should be out partying with friends, hanging out, going to the movies, but no, all I did was lie in my bed, writing on MySpace, or crying.

That's really all I spent my time doing, I didn't have any friends, I didn't have anyone to have sleepovers with, to talk to, I had no one. I had my sister Lucia though, she always went by Gia, but our mother and I were the only ones that called her by her full name. We fought a-lot, but she was the only one there for me, she was the only one who understood me. We also had completely different ways of style, Lucia had a "emo 2000s" kind of style, she had black hair with hot pink stripes, she always wore skinny flare jeans with a pink or black top, she gave off very much Avril Lavigne vibes. But for me, I had dead straight waist length black hair with white stripes, I was kind of a "scene girl" if you wanna call it that. Physically, we were opposites, but we were the same person mentally, we thought the same, our actions and gestures were identical, when I was sad, she was sad, and she knew exactly when I was, not exactly the reason but we could feel each-others energy, like it was our own.

I opened the drawer to grab my laptop, the laptop of my thoughts I called it, the laptop I wrote everything on, the laptop filled with every single centre meter of my brain. I sat down on my bed and opened it, a bright white screen popping up. I click MySpace, my favourite escape, no drama, just thoughts.

"Hey guys, I'm back, the family and I fought again, ugh, we fight twenty four fucking seven, it never ends. My sister and I are only fifteen years old, going thru this hellhole of a fucking house, all I hope is for for me and my twin sister, my other half to have a good relationship, I pray every night for that. I couldn't give less of a fuck about my mum though, all she did was yell at us, yell at us for "being too loud", scream at us for "not doing our homework", but those examples seem pretty reasonable right? Sure they r, but it's the aggressiveness, the hatred in her voice every-time she spoke, you would think there was a murder happening lmfao. But I do have some good news, my mum, my sister and I are moving to a new country in 3 years!, Leipzig, Germany, I am soooo fucking excited, except I have to go to a new school *ew* but i'll be in University so I will only have a few years to study their, so pumped. But anyways I'm done for today, couldn't stop crying all day and now my face hurts :( I'll be on here tmoz probs ranting again lolz, cya XD"

Right before I went to close my laptop, a message popped up on the bottom right corner of my screen.

"Hey, I saw your post about your sister, you wanna talk about it? I'm open to talk if ur comfortable." the message wrote.