the state of denial

Part 14: The insanity begins.

In my mind I'm going crazy. I keep thinking that maybe I'm in an alternate universe or something like that. Maybe this is all still a dream, this whole world is made by me in my mind. Maybe I'm still in a coma and this is all an illusion? You never know, i mean they say the mind is a powerful thing, but then again maybe that's something my own mind made up to make things feel better. Plus who knows, maybe I'm a part of someone else's dream. And they're just waiting for me to go insane. Because slowly it's working. Making me crazy with every second I think of anything. Thinking thinking. This is getting me nowhere. It's made everything worse.

What if people can read my mind and I'm part of some elaborate plan. Everyone's against me. By that I mean every last person on the planet. It sounds dumb. But in my mind, it sounds just right.

Think of it. What if I'm completely alone and I'm just so crazy that my imagination has gone wild and created this. Hate, love, happiness, greed, every emotion all in one place. Maybe this isn't the way things should be, but how could I know.

Think of it this way.

Do you know what it's like to be trapped inside your own mind? It's torture. There's no way out. No one can save you. You're just left alone with yourself and the harder you try to make it stop the easier it is to make everything worse. Nobody can hear your screams, because everything's in your head. Soon enough you're insane. Fucking mental.

Your world begins to collapse. Nothing makes sense. You can't feel anything, but at the same time you feel everything that's going on around you.

You're crowded by so many people, but no one is there for you. That fake smile you put on has them all fooled. They think everything's perfect, but really you can't think of anything else that could go wrong.

This all has to stop. But how? You can't just make these kinds of things go away. You have to face yourself.

And what made you go insane. Nothing. Nothing makes you insane. Feeling so empty inside makes you this way.

There's so much self-hatred you need a reason to actually be mad. So you make one up. But man, you should never have let yourself go this far. And at this point you're too ahead with all this you can't stop. You need to feel the hate.

You begin to hate looking into mirrors. The sound of your voice. The hate begins to eat you alive. You wonder if you'll ever love yourself again.

But we all get addicted to whatever makes the pain go away.

You can no longer be left alone with your own mind.

Every little thing sets you off. And your true bestfriend is that razor blade, and the liquor cabinet that grows smaller every day.

Only those two things give you comfort. It's like, they know exactly how you feel.

Yet, they don't need to say a word. They aren't even alive, but they know you better than anyone else ever could.

You confide in those two things. They keep your secrets and make sure you're alive when you think you might just be dead.

There's a bit of remorse when they haven't taken you, but don't worry, they won't let you down.

That's the feeling of insanity.

And none of this would have ever happened if they would have never shown up.

Darling, you should've stayed solo. Who needs friends. You sure as hell don't.

Life was perfect without anyone else. When you made your own choices and weren't afraid to hurt anyone else.