the state of denial

Part 16:

I can't control anything anymore. My world is falling completely apart. No one knows. I smile and laugh and even join in with them. But inside I'm miserable. The burn of the alcohol won't help much now. It stings for a second or two then its all back to normal.

I've thought of a few ways to end it all. But, the thing is I don't want anyone to find my cold, pale, dead body, eyes open with one arm stretched out.

I want to know what there is after you die. It's like thinking about how huge the universe is. My mind goes dark, but the thoughts roam free. Is there a heaven and hell. Are we immediately switched to a new body, can we watch over our loved ones?

I could do it right now. Take a handful of pills slowly dying. Take it a fast way, slit my wrists or go to the extreme and cut my neck. Hang myself. Be dramatic, fill up the bathtub and electrocute myself with the blow dryer.

I took a depression quiz on the Internet last night. I had exactly 100. It told me I'm in need of medical attention. It also said I had paranoia. Which I already knew, since I figured that one out on my own.

The smallest thing will scare me. Thinking way too much about it all. Everyone is out to get me, that's why I don't show my unhappiness. I have to let them think I'm still strong enough to put up a fight.

I'm seeing things that aren't there. I'm almost out of my pills and I can't see my regular therapist for another month, because I'm going to a trauma one.

Bullshit right? The only thing she wants to talk about is the accident and how it's affected me. It was possibly the worst thing that has ever happened to me and one of the worst that I will ever experience. She wants me to tell her exactly what I remember. And every time I see her it's the same fucking questions. I could recite it and it'd be spot on. My answers never change. That's what she wants, she wants me to change my answer and tell her some other story, then she'll diagnose me with denial or compulsive lying. But my story has stayed the same since day one.

I'd love to tell somebody how I truly feel. But no one would understand, I mean I could never find a way to explain it. I'm sure many people feel this way, but how do you tell someone 'I hate my life. I hate everyone in it to a certain extent. I want to die, but only to see what it's like. I think that you're made up by my mind, so it doesn't matter if you care or not cause you aren't even real.' That's crazy. And sure it's easy to write down, but when you try to speak it, nothing comes out right.

All I can do is listen to music and know that the person who wrote the song understands me more than any person I know. The artist gets me, but they've never met me. It's nice knowing someone like them have gone through what a nobody has.

Nothing is better than putting in your headphones on full blast and listening to the songs that explain what you can't say, the ones that give you goosebumps and have the power to make you cry.

The reason why you want to meet the bands and thank them for what they've done to help you.

They don't just make music for the money. They do it to help someone out there who is going through hard times and can't tell anyone about it.

My favorite bands have helped me more than any therapist has ever tried.

Now I'm just going on about nothing. But it's true.

The over thinking, paranoia, depression, self-harm the way the bands have helped through all of it.

(All Time Low, My Chemical Romance, Pierce The Veil, Mayday Parade, You Me At Six, Paramore.👌)

It's just amazing how much they can do in only 3 and a half minutes. But, this is all an illusion. Nothing matters. Nothing will ever matter.

I need to get out of my own mind.