the state of denial

Part 18:

"Sadness is like a drug, it takes you away from reality and makes you see it in a whole new way."

I'm not sure where I saw that quote, or who said it, but it's so true. Relatable to the 100%.

I haven't seen my friends for about a week now. Well, other than at school. I don't talk to them.

Zack is pissed off at Cameron for taking me without him knowing and at me for not calling him once.

But, maybe its his fault too because he's never home. I don't get how everyone gets into the house, and Zack's never home to watch out for that kind of shit.

Dani and Tori haven't been around much, I just... I don't want to talk to them. Sam has work so there's really no time for her to be out much.

I've been pretty distant with everyone, even Cameron. After I said I loved him I've been awkward although its completely fine, because he had already said it first. I mean we still hug and kiss, but we haven't talked much. The fact that I said it is what makes it awkward for me... Like, what if I didn't mean it and it just came out and now he thinks I do love him, but in reality I don't. I don't love him and this is all something that will turn out to be really fucked up, just like everything always does.

The worst part of it all is that, I've been at his house for a week now. I see him everyday, at school and after... I honestly just want to be at my own house. Why can't he just stay at my place, he can watch me from there. It's not like I would wander off and get myself into trouble. I wouldn't be like "Hey Chris, I'm at so and so place.. Please rape and kill me." I may be stupid but only to a certain extent.

I haven't had a drink in the full week I've been here and I'm going crazy. I just need the sting to take me away from everything. And just yesterday I saw Cameron's little sister smoking a cigarette... Like what the fuck. Turns out shes not nine, shes almost 12, but still!

I didn't say anything. But I did beg her to share.

I think we get along pretty well. She's sort of the younger sister I've always wanted. I did her hair and makeup, took her shopping, and we've been watching Disney movies all week.

The only back draw to her is that if I hug or kiss Cameron she gets in between us and hugs him then she'll go, "I love you more big brother." Which really pisses me off, but I don't say anything.

Usually just keepin' quiet about all things that happen.

My phone begins to vibrate and the screen flashes: MOTHER. With a picture of her and dad at the Sydney Opera House.

I think it's pretty cool how mom and dad are 'in the future.' I mean, it's 4:30 in the afternoon here but in Australia it's around 11 in the morning. I think.

Mom tells me that they're coming back for a week, a visit. She doesn't ask much about how Zack and I have been, she just tells me she's coming and when, but nothing else. They don't even care.

"Hey, Hay... Ohemgee. I just love saying that. Never gets old." Amy says barging into Cameron's room.

"It got old the first day I was here.." I say jokingly. "Where's your brother?"

She blows a strand of hair on her face and leans on the doorframe, "I think he's at practice or something. Maybe after school. So we should go out.. That creeper guys out of town anyway. You can go out without Cameron now."

I furrow my brows and look up from the laptop screen. "Its Saturday no school. What creeper guy?"

Then, she slouches forward and blows out air in frustration. "Then he's at practice. The guy that Cameron won't let you see... Umh.. Cristian? Christ?"