the state of denial

Part 9:

"I can't even believe you would leave the hospital ! No, actually I can!! This is so like you Hayley ! They're just trying to help you !" Dani scolds at me.

Its been two weeks since I've been home. Alice took Dani out of town for a while and they came back three days ago. Jake kept cover for me and told her no one could visit me.

"I couldn't be in there! Cameron's in a fucking coma and Tori, I don't even know what's going on with Tori!" I reply. She rolls her eyes, "This is bullshit Hay, your leg is fucked up and... They said you need to see another therapist." I drop my face into my hand. "I knew it. That's why I left. I don't want another therapist. You know what I need, I just need a smoke."

I get up off the bed still in Cameron's tee shirt he left here and a pair of shorts. I look through my drawers until I find the cigarette box. I walk back upstairs, and take a bottle of Jack Daniels out of the fridge. I open the sliding door that leads outside to the lake.

Dani lights my cigarette. And takes a sip of Jack. "Tori's gunna start therapy next week. There wasn't much spinal damage, but she needs to get her muscles strengthened to walk again or some shit like that." I blow out and take a shot.

"This is all bullshit. You know that? Everything they tell us. Like, I feel completely fine. I don't need the hospital. And Tori, that girl is so fucking strong she can handle anything." We both laugh for a while.

"Sam's coming back tomorrow. Her mom finally got the full custody even though it'll only be for like a year and a half."

Sam's our fourth member. She came along around seventh grade. It was usually Sam and Tori, Dani and I. But, two years ago when her parents divorced she had to move to Arizona, with her dad.

"Does she know about the accident?" I ask.

"Of course she knows. Her and Tori talk everyday. She called my mom panicked when none of us answered her calls." That would explain the missed calls.

"Heard your dog bit my boyfriend too. Damn Sully." I giggle and take another drag.

"It's not the dogs fault. He was frightened." She playfully hits my arm.

We stare out into the lake. "I'm still mad at you for leaving the hospital." I did no harm.

"Nothing's wrong with me."

"So that's why you cut again? Because nothing was wrong? I know Hay. They told Zack everything. I mean, why!? I don't understand. I thought you had stopped."

It's not something she really needs to worry about. Honestly, nothing is wrong. There really is no drama. I guess, the emptiness is taking over and the razor gives me hope. Hope that I'm still human. Worthy of emotions. It gives me a reason to be mad at something, instead of being pissed off at the world for no apparent reason.

"You're not listening Hayley!"

I walk down to the lake and leave Dani talking to herself.

I met up with Cameron's mom a few days ago. She cried a bit, said she was sorry for what happened. But, it could've happened to anyone. You never know what you'll face during a day of life.

She asked me if we were going out. I don't think my stutter has ever been THAT bad. I was like, "Erm, I.. I... Cam and I... We uh... I... Uhm... I'm not sure... If we are or not.... But uh..... If you'd.... Umh... Like to uh... Say that then.... Yeh... I uh.. I guess.. I hope that.. We are. I mean, that's what. Ca... Cam.. Cameron wanted. And I'd love to be his girlfriend."

Then she giggled. Her whole face lit up. Like she hadn't been happy in ages.

But from a mothers perspective, if my kid was in the hospital I'd be a total wreck too.

She told me that she had overheard him talking about me to Jake plenty of times. Which didn't surprise me much.

I don't understand why I had never given him a chance... Why I never had the courage to be in a real relationship until now. And now, he doesn't even know it..

"Hayley!" Dani snaps her fingers in my face. "You need to stop zoning out so much. It worries me."

"You worry me Danielle." I reply.

I check the time, and Dani asks what I've done for the past two weeks. Which is a really stupid question, since I already told her I've been home. Literally gone nowhere.

Alex's dad is a doctor, who's been one of the many still pissed off at me for leaving the hospital. He came over yesterday to check on my leg. He said it was fine. That all I had to do was not put much weight on it. It will heal soon.

Alex. When I saw him for the first time after the accident, it was like someone had ripped out his soul. He put on a fake smile for me. But then, came his feelings. He's mad at himself for not driving the girls home. That if he would've just driven them back nothing would have happened. Which is exactly what Jake told himself. Although Alex really hates himself for it all. Because Tori has damage. And Dani is fine, so Jake wouldn't feel the same.

Me. I blame myself for the accident. Because, I could've just stayed home. Fallen asleep with Cam. Maybe we would have made it officially official. Listen to some jams and talked about anything. Everything.

Instead, he's in a coma and I'll take the blame. He can't do anything so I'll punish myself. I just want things back to the way they were. Back when nothing mattered, when I could laugh at the most pointless things. Now, it's hard to even have a sincere smile.

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"I know you can't hear me, but... Wait no.. That's a lie. I think you can't hear me.. But if you can, I'm here Cam. I want you to wake up, to be okay. Just wake the fuck up already." I grip his hand tighter. Hoping for some sort of response, But nothing. He's been in this coma for a month and a half. I've met most of his family now, not that it's a big family.

I feel like the people at the hospital forgot all about my little incident, or they forgave me. Because every time I walk in I get greeted. Which really makes my days.

Seems so weird just walking in to see Cameron who just lays there. I usually wait around for an hour or two, just to see if he'll move. Or talk. Moan, at least grunt. But nothing. It's like he's dead.

I take out my phone and text Dani.

Me: Do me a favor?

Dani: Depends.

Me: Bring me food... I'm starving.

Dani: how long has it been?

Me: Dani, stop. If you don't want to then don't.

Dani: I'll be there in like 10 mins. Kk? Bye love. xoxo

He got most of the machines plugged out. He can breathe on his own and got checked for brain damage. Thankfully there is none.

Tori gets out tomorrow. She can walk normally and everything seems to be alright.

All we need is for Cameron to wake up and things will be back to normal. Hopefully even better.

"Hayley.." Someone keeps repeating my name. It sounds like Cameron. But, there isn't any movement coming from the bed. The monitors are regular. "Hayley, you're okay. I'm here."

There's pressure on my hand but no cause.

I slowly walk up to Cameron. His body lay motionless.

"You can do this babe." He says. But his lips don't move. It's like the voice is coming within the room. It has an echo to it. Surrounding all of me.

His eyes open and everything is blank again.