Where Your Loyalties Lie - {Severus Snape x Reader}

-32-

After I locked myself up in the Greenhouse, I cried. Cried. Cried. And cried... Too scared to fall into sleep either. Scared that Lockhart will burst thru the doors I have now sealed with vines. Sniffy stayed close to me the whole night. The dress I had, I put it away from reminding me of the night. I'm devastated. How could this happen? I really thought that... Why was I so foolish?! Severus Snape, interested in me? No. It's only a dream. There is no way. The thought I have become weak because of him... I need to bury all my feelings towards him. That way, no one can hurt me. Ever again. "What am I going to do, Sniffy?" staring at myself thru a mirror next morning. My eyes are so red and puffy. I look like a mess. Talk about those bags under my eyes. How can I confront anyone today?

For my luck, an actual fever came up before the classes stared. It shouldn't come as surprise, but since Umbridge is quite germophobic, she had no problem to let me rest in my chamber rest of this week. All of the Herbology lessons had to be canceled. It made some of the students sad, others - like Ron Weasley, happy since he doesn't haveto hurry with his assignment. Hagrid rushed to take Sniffy to his hut right after he heard the news, even I told it's fine. Poppy was about to bring me the Fever-reducing potion, but was quickly caught by Umbridge, who told her not to get involved, since she should be taking care of the students rather than the staff. Like my aunt-Ruby has said; sometimes it's better let the time heal, but... Man, this sucks! Minerva has brought me some food thru out the day and promised to come check up on me later this evening. Everyone is so sweet towards me. I don't deserve this kind of treatment.

All I have done today is lay in bed and try to recover. From the fever and the emotional damage... Tears keeps coming back up whenever I remember the way Lockhart touched me. How he kissed me. How he almost... I don't wanna even think about it. Got no strength left. I feel so weak in every possible way. Then, there is a knock on my door. With slow moves, I get up from the bed and go open the door. Thinking it's Minerva, since all of the classes are over and it's getting pretty late. Familiar dark figure stands there with the usual stare. Apparently he has found the cape. My heart and stomach makes this weird twist at the same time. Last time I saw that face... Quickly pushing these mixed feelings away. "...What are you doing in here?" my voice is quite weak. He lets himself in and walks deeper into the room:"Madam Pomfrey happened run into me and she asked me to deliver the Fever-reducing potion without Umbridge's notice.".

Somehow, I'm a bit hesitant to close the door, so I keep it slightly open. Severus continues:"After throwing the outdated potion away and brewed a new one myself, I came here to deliver it.". Then he puts the potion on my nightstand. We are now standing each side of the room. Feels like I don't know how to act, what to feel or do. So I keep my gaze on the floor:"...Thank you. You didn't haveto. Really.". All of sudden, I feel Severus's cool hand against my forehead to feel how hot it is. It makes me flinch a bit, but he ignores this and keeps the hand still. "You look... Quite awful." his smooth monotonic tone hums into my ears. Can't look him in the eyes at the moment. There is a part of me that wants to break down crying and tell him everything about last night, but... There is this part of me that keeps telling me not to do that. What if... He founds out my feelings towards him and doesn't feel the same?

Potions Master sees the pensive look on my face. "Take the potion and get rest. Or do I need to assist you to take it?" he teases. With weak move, I swing his hand away from me and walk back to bed:"I'm fine. Thank you.". It got him off guard a bit, but quickly goes neutral:"Very well. I shall... Let you be.". Can hear how the door gets closed behind him after he left. I'm flooded with emotions once again. The tears comes back up and I break down silently. Why am I so weak? I should be tougher than this! After collecting myself back up again, I take the potion and went under the blanket. It stared to affect quite quickly and I felt better by every minute. Minerva did come to see me later that evening and we chat for a minute before she went back to her chamber to sleep.

The clock is eleven in the evening. The castle is quiet. Everyone are in their chambers or in their Common Rooms - except the people who are in their night shifts. The fever is finally fully gone and I feel physically great. After spending the day inside, I feel like I need some fresh air. At first I thought I'd do a quick spin in the garden, but then I realized how cold it actually is. My coat... I left it in the Broom Cupboard. There is that weird sick feeling in my stomach again, but I push the feeling away and head there. I can do this! Without running into anyone, I make it to the hall where the door to Broom Cupboard is. Right when I see the door, my heart starts pounding faster inside my chest. Just... Get in, grab the coat and get out. Simple.

Hesitantly, I get in the room, leaving the door open and search for the coat. The moonlight isn't shining as bright thru the window this night, so it's harder to see. All of the brooms that fell last time I was here are still laying on the floor. I exhale thru my nose to try keep myself calm and start collecting them. As I'm hunched down and trying to pick as many brooms as I possible can, a figure joins in the room. The light that comes thru the door gets overshadowed for a moment. My heart drops. Not again! Before anything can happen, I grab a broom, shoot up and swing it:"DON'T..-!!!". The other person quickly stops it in middle, avoiding it hitting their face. "What in the name of Merlin are you doing?!" familiar deep voice hisses. It's Severus! "I... I was just..-" my heart starts pumping fast. Throat feels like someone has shoved a ball in there. "I'm sorry." I let out, grab the coat and rush out of there. Severus is confused:"(Y/N)..?".

Without thinking, I keep speed walking back to the chamber while putting the coat on and off. I don't want him to know. "(Y/L)." Potions Master's stern voice echoes thru the hallway as he's coming after me. Can't stop, can't look back. "Please stop following me." I order. The cape behind him starts moving more as he speeds up his steps. The buttons of my coat keeps getting in the wrong holes as my shaky hands tries to put them on. Fuck..! The doors to the Greenhouse opens and I keep walking down the stairs. The whole place looks so different at night time, since the only light coming in is from the dark blue sky above. Quickly my head snaps behind me when I hear Severus coming down the stairs as well, sounding pissed:"You dare try to hit me with a broom and run away with no explanation?!". I can't breath. Taking the coat once again off and rush to the Herbology classroom:"I said I'm sorry. Leave me alone!". Why..? Why he keeps coming after me?

Toss the coat to the side and walk up to the desk in front of the class. My whole body is trembling. Leaning against the desk with my both hands and try to calm down. "Please... I can't." I whisper to myself. Fighting against the tears is nearly impossible. I think I'm having some sort of panic attack. Severus stands at the door, looking straight at me. "What happened?" he finally ask. "Nothing." is the only thing I can let out while shooking my head. He sees how my body shivers, even I have my back facing him. "Surely doesn't looks like it." he starts approaching me. I'm too scared to turn around and face him, so I keep still. "Yesterday, after you left from my class, something changed." he points out. Then, I move my head slightly as a sign I heard what he said. "...I got sick." I answer. Now he is standing three meters away from me. "What else?" he ask. I shut my eyes tight and bite the lower lip hard. I can't..!! "Very well..." Severus pulls out his wand and points it at me:"Legilimency.". My back arches and I let out a gasp:"Ah..-!".

Once again - like all of the other times he has read my mind, the memories starts flashing before me. How I'm blushing after Severus asked me out. How I see him standing other side of the hallway, coming right at me. How he wraps his arm around my shoulders as he starts leading me away. Severus gets confused how is this even possible to see himself doing that, since according to him, that never happened. How I get grabbed by the wrist and tossed in to the Broom Cupboard. How I turn around and get kissed by him. How I get groped. Every touch. Every kiss. How uncomfortable I was. How confused I was. How scared I was... Then, he sees the face of the abuser. Lockhart. No! "Stop it!!" I yell. This is the first time I block the spell successfully. Now my lower back is leaning against the desk as I try to catch my breath. He saw... He saw what happened! The man in front of me is stunned. Not because I was able to resist the spell, but because what he saw.