Addicted | ✔

C h a p t e r T h i r t y - E i g h t

                                                                   PART THIRTY EIGHT

                                                         ❝You will forever be my always.❞

I had always imagined the worst case scenario happening. Except, I never thought it actually would. I'd done everything right, mostly.  Or I'd tried too. It was late at night, Jack had gotten up with Evie while I tried to get comfortable. It was then that I heard his strangled voice from the other room.

"Kaitlyn! She's not breathing!" He shouted to me. I didn't know I could move as fast as I did in that moment, all the bleary tiredness I'd been feeling lifted. I flew into her room, Where I saw Jack holding Evie trying to feel for a pulse. He shoved her into my arms. My heart was beating out of my chest, so loudly I couldn't hear anything but the blood roaring in my ears. It was than, I felt the faintest pulse. Jack, was already on the phone with 911. 

"They said attempt cpr." He said. I took my two fingers thrusting them into her chest multiple times. I was panicking. I heard sirens in the background. I raced to the door where I opened it for paramedics. That was the nice thing about living semi near the hospital, you hit 100 on the highway your here in three minutes.  I shoved Evie into there arms.

"She's not breathing! She's gotta pulse." I say to them, as they lay her on the floor, taking heartbeat and blood pressure. I couldn't stay still.

"She's going to be okay right? She's going to live." I say kneeling onto the floor. I feel my whole body burning. One woman stands up to face me and Jack. She puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Ma'm. Calm down, she's going to be fine."

I watch as they start cpr on my unmoving child. A minute later she's coughing. I exhale a breath expecting them to hand her to me. Her breath is wheezy and I can't hear her very well. I watch them carrying her out to the ambulance me and Jack are on their heels. Her body looks so small on the stretcher. Jack and I are sitting there, watching our daughter struggle to breathe. 

-------------------

Sitting in the hospital drinking a bland coffee I'm crying again. Because again, I failed my daughter. Jack has his head in his hands. The door swings open and a doctor comes to sit with us.

"Ms. Thomas?" She says, looking at me and I lift my head up to look at her.

"Your daughter has RSV." She says and I feel the blood come back to roar in my ears. Of all the things that could be wrong, this and SIDS were one of the worst. I let the tears continue rolling down my face.

"What exactly is RSV?" Asks Jack. The doctor gives him a look of judgement. She stands up, looking down at the chart.

"It's a respiratory virus, it's fairly common. Equivalant to the common cold in adults, we've started her on tube feeding and a ventilator. " She says, jotting something on the clipboard before moving to walk to the door. I stand up, my hands shaking.

"Can, can I see her?" I ask. She nods and we follow her down the hall of the PICU, the last place I want to be. My daughter, has tubes in her nose, and an iv in her hand, her chest is covered in patches that I'm assuming are monitoring her. I reach my hand out to touch her tiny one. Her fingers close around mine. I feel my voice catch in my throat. Jack is silent. I don't speak. The doctor shuts the door behind her. I turn to look at Jack and he embraces in me his arms. He holds me like that for what feels like hours.

"I can't hold her." I whisper to him and he presses my head into the crook of his shoulder.  I'm sobbing now.

"Hey, she's going to be okay." It's than that I realize something. Who did she get it from, she doesn't go to daycare, she doesn't get babysat. It could've only been me or Jack and I'd hardly left the house at all. 

"Jack?" I whisper.

"What." He says into my ear. I pull away from him.

"she got it from you." I say, not accusatory but because I need to clarify for once it isn't my fault. He nods.

"Most likely one of the guys, its flu season shit goes around I didn't think that I could get her.. this sick." He said. He was expecting me to yell. I didn't. I lay back into his arms. We stayed like that all night, as doctor's and nurses walked in I didn't move from his arms in the chair. I watched them change her diaper, I watched as they checked vitals and she cried. I watched feeling completley helpless. Because my daughter was sick and she wanted her mom and dad. And all we could do was watch. Watch as she coughed, and cried and all we could do was hold her hands. Part of my heart broke then.