❝And she did the drugs for fun
But now she does them just to stay up❞
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I'm a half smoked cigarettes girl, a tiny tops and eye glitter girl, a quick and cheap girl. The female version of a playboy. Sexy, sweet, sour, anyth...
❝You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up. ❞
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The one good thing about working at a shitty bar on the south side of Arizona, if that's a thing, is that guys, gross old men, and skanky girls will buy you shots on them. I knocked back more than I served. Tip money, which I tucked into my waistband was scratchy and sticky but a reminder that I was a woman and should use it. Practically thundered in my head.
"Vodka cranberry please." A girl, who looked like she still believed in the tooth fairy asked. I glanced at her and smiled leaning over the counter.
"What's in it for me."
She slid from her pocket, a crumpled up fifty dollar bill. I nodded tucking the bill into my back pocket. While pouring the syrup I met eyes with a guy sitting at the back of the bar, his face bore a striking resemblance to Leo's. It was then I realized I'd poured too much syrup. I handed the girl the glass and slipped to the break room.
From my locker, I pulled the little brown baggies and needle I'd used for the past day. I rubbed it against my sticky shirt shaking. My phone chimed, Jack texting me a photo of my daughter, crawling across the bare lawn of the motel. I smiled, liking the message. I did not stare at that photo for long though, as it felt as though she was watching me shoot up. The door swung open and I dropped my phone. Leonard, the bartender leaned against the door. Watching me standing there with a needle in my arm. I smiled.
"Hey, what's up?" I said, acting as causally as I could. He walked over, picking up my phone and handing it to me. He glanced from my phone to me, and back again.
"This your daughter?" He asked. I nodded proudly, my beautiful daughter who was crawling now. I yanked the needle from my arm, setting my t shirt on the small pin prick of blood. I leaned my body against the wall.
"Yeah, she's eight months old now." I said, feeling a twinge of sadness in my heart. He nodded.
"Yeah, they are really sweet at that age I suppose." He said setting my phone down next to me. He fumbled in his pocket for a cigarette and lighter. I held out my hand for one, as this was common.
"What do you mean you suppose? Don't you know?" I asked, holding the lighter to my cigarette. He shook his head, exhaling a huge cloud of smoke and shrugging.
"Like I saw, never really met my son. Believe me, I wanted to be a father but I loved heroin too much. When I was forced to chose him or heroin, you know what I chose." He said looking directly at me. I nodded. I did know what he meant.
"Let her go Kaitlyn, if you just want to get high and fuck up your life like I do, why even bother with her?" He said, his words hurt. As if he had taken my worst fear and thrown it back in my face. I tensed taking a long drag from my cigarette.
"I won't leave her." I muttered, and he laughed.
"You can't be a good junkie, and a good mother, it's one or the other." I turned to him, through my foggy brain he was making sense. If I wanted to spend my days sitting here, in the cold shooting up and smoking with a pos man who abandoned his kid, why would I bring my daughter into it?
"Who took that photo?" He continued. "Her dad?"
I nodded and laughed at the irony.
"Yeah my husband did."
Leonard choked on his cigarette at this.
"So let me get this straight, your cheating on him, shooting up, and neglecting your child? Wow you are not a great person Katie." He said laughing and coughing. I resented this, I wasn't cheating as of our discussion this morning and I wasn't neglecting my daughter as of this morning when Jack came to take care of her, so in my mind those things were in the past.
"I am not cheating, we don't even love each other, we stayed together for her, and I do not neglect her." I stated, stomping my cigarette out beneath the beat up sneakers I was wearing. As I stood up, Leonard looked me dead in the eye he grabbed my arm.
"Look, live however you want to, drink the alcohol, shoot up, abuse everyone and everything you love, but just know your kidding yourself saying that. It is your fault."
Realistically, I should've listened to him. I should've called Jack and told him he would never see me again and split on everything and everyone. I should have stayed and shot up one more time for the heck of it. But I did not, I punched out and walked alongside the dark alleys for what felt like miles, lost in my own head. I sat on a bench, slick with old rainwater. Burying my head in my hands I wondered what had happened to me. I wanted my mom, I wanted her to tell me I was going to be okay, I wanted Jack to say he still wanted me, I wanted to call my sister and beg her to get me out of this.
My fingers splayed over the keypad, I tried, twice to hit the dial button. I could not bring myself to speak to her. I was not even sure what I would say
"Hey Summer I know it's been two years since we've talked but I'm married, I have a daughter, oh and you were right when you said I'd become a junkie because I've failed everyone can you help me?"
I closed the app. Knowing I could not call her, I'd wanted to be on my own now I really was.
