Addicted | ✔

C h a p t e r F i f t y - E i g h t

                                                                        PART FIFTY EIGHT

                                                          ❝So kiss me, and smile for me.❞

For the past four days, I had woken up, shot up and laid back down. When I remembered too, I fed my daughter and changed her. I wondered if she was getting the drugs in her system. I was not sure. Jack, whom I had not seen in four days as well was the farthest thing from my mind. These days had consisted of more re-runs of semi good Tv-shows and a single bag of Dorito's I had found under the sink in the room. Today however, was the fifth day. Jack had taken the cash with him to wherever the fuck he'd gone and I had taken a twenty from his wallet which was under the couch. 

There was a shitty bar, right next to the hotel. They called it a diner. It was one of those places girls sucked off the bartenders for free drinks, and the for going of an ID. Jack's words thundered in my head, I did not make any money this was true. If we ever ended up back in the springs, my old job would not be there. I'd left my sleeping daughter alone in the hotel room, stabbed the needle into my into my arm, I breezed into the small bar. The bartender, was exactly what I expected a tall lanky guy with unwashed blonde hair forming into dreads and an unruly mustache. I smirked. I pulled my shirt down a little bit. Not that I had much to show but push up bra's and breastfeeding did wonders.

"Hey, I saw a help wanted sign here the other day was wondering about that." I said, giving him my best I am definitley twenty one and can legally work in a bar smile. He shrugged.

"Why would you want to work in this dump, shit your pretty get a better job." He said, returning to scrubbing a dirty glass.

"I've got a baby, i just want to provide for her." I said, this was a half truth. I did of course want to provide for Evie, but I also wanted to provide myself drugs. The guy made a gesture toward my arm.

"Junkie." He said pointedly, looking at the track marks that had started to form. I shrugged.

"Takes one to know one." I smirked. He gave me a toothy smile, he looked like the mugshots I'd seen way back when. Most of his teeth were missing.

"I got some blow if you trying to kick it for a minute." He replied.

Now, I had learned my lesson about taking drinks from random men. However, this was free. Or, so I thought.

"What about the job, can I speak to a manager?" I persisted and he rolled his eyes.

"Look, I got a son sweetie, he's 3. I haven't seen him in two years. You wanna know why? Heroin feels better than being a parent ever will. Your not doing this for your girl, your doing it for yourself." He said. I wasn't sure how this applied in the least to a job offering or why he was pointing out the blatetly obvious. I shrugged.

"Look can you just give me an application I can fill out or something?"I said, my voice wavering. He looked up at me, then down at my shirt.

"Sure."

He pulled from under the counter a paper, sticky and handed me a pen from the counter. He smiled at me. As I filled out the application and blatently lied on my birthday I could feel his wandering eyes on me.
"Lucky guy." He murmered and I glanced up.

"What do you mean?"

"The guy who knocked you up, I mean shit." He said meeting my gaze. I shrugged.

"He's not all that great."

"In the sac?" He asked and I laughed.

"No just in general."

I handed him back the paper and he glanced over it.

"I'll give this to Josh, he's the boss." Then, he snorted at his own shitty rhyme. I turned away from him, then I remembered I was standing in a bar with a skany bartender who'd probably do anything for a handjob muchless actually fucking.

"Can I get something to drink?" I asked turning to him. He raised an eyebrow but nodded.

"Sure, watcha want, vodka cranberry, margaritaa, I make a wicked night cap." I hoisted myself onto the stool.

"I'll take two shots." I replied, he poured me three.. He did not hand them to me however, instead he gave me a once over.

"You got ID on you." He asked, but said it as a matter of fact because we both knew I did not.

"Come on man, you would fuck with me if given the chance."

"Would you give me that chance?"

I sized him up for a moment. Yes he was scummy, yes he probably had an std but yes, I was high and needed to forget for a couple minutes.

"I'll let you go down on me." I replied, wondering if that would be enough. He shook his head.

"Slutty." He replied, but handed me the drinks, smiling. 

—----------------------

It had been a week since I had seen Jack, it had been a week since I'd done more than the bare minimum to keep my child alive. I had almost used up all of the H we had in the medicine cabinet. I wondered if Jack had intended to sell it, too late now I guess. It was than, staring at the last hit I had left I turned to Evie, her eyes staring at mine. Maybe she wondered what happened.

"I gave up." I said responding to her un asked question. She looked at me wonderingly. I sat down with the needle next to her crib.

"Life sucks kiddo, and I'm sorry I brought you into this cruel world. I shouldn't have. I'm sorry your friends will have moms who tell them they love them, and show up for them. I can't my love, I tried I really tried for eight whole months I have tried. I'm tired." I said, laying a hand against her cheek. Then, I left. Locking the door behind me and not feeling one bit bad I had just left an infant alone. Like I wasn't casey anthony bad.