Addicted | ✔

C h a p t e r F o r t y - E i g h t

                                                                  PART FORTY EIGHT

                                                     ❝Even the stars know your name.❞

I was late. By two weeks I was late. I sat in the bathroom, holding the pregnancy test box in my shaking hands. I loved my child, more than I had loved anything else in my entire life. But I did not want another one. I prayed, this was just some freak of nature accident, and this time. I seriously did not know who's child this would be. I did not feel pregnant, my jeans closed like they always did, my tits were not swollen. I was not throwing up. I felt fine. But I could not deny the fact I was supposed to get my period. I set the test on the counter and stood in the kitchen. On the counter, there was a small baggie of cocaine. I glanced from the baggie, to the open bathroom door. Next to it, was Jack's driver's license. Fuck it. I felt the farmilar rush hitting me as my nose burned. I smiled, feeling my entire body light up. I grabbed for the dishes in the sink. I smirked. The timer dinged, three minutes had passed. Shit. I moved slowly to the bathroom. Because I did not want to walk in and see what my future held. I had always failed tests, I was hoping I could pass this one. 

Two little pink lines stared back at me. I slammed the test on the counter. I wanted to scream, I wanted to lose my shit. I did not want to exist. I did not want to have another child, I did not want to be that girl. With two kids, and an abusive husband. The door slammed, and I heard my child babbling to her father. I heard him laughing. I however, could not feel anything. I sank against the bathroom door. As if my whole world had turned upside down, as if my entire life was shattering and I, the girl who'd thought she was so strong was nothing more than a loser.

"Hi sweetheart I'm home." Jack said, coming to stand in the bathroom. I moved away from him so I was sitting in the corner next to the bathtub. Jack came to sit next to me. I did not say anything. Only leaned into him, him and my daughter.

"Jack?" I whispered. He glanced at me kindly. I smiled. 
"I'm pregnant." I announced. As hot tears snaked their way down my face. Jack exhaled sharply.

"Shit really?" He asked, I nodded softly. He grimaced.

"We can't afford another baby. I mean shit baby we can't even afford this one." He said gesturing to Evie, squirming in his arms. I nodded. Of course I knew that, but we could not afford a new baby, and I did not want one anyways. But I did not want an abortion, I did not want to lay there on an operating table high on Vicodin as they sucked cells from my body. This time around, there would be no discussion. There would just be us, walking into planned parenthood. I sighed.

"I know Jack, I just don't know how this happened."

That was a lie. I did know, I knew that the chance it was Jack's was actually very slim. The only other person it could be was Leo's. I wondered if it would get his beautiful green eyes and soft smile. I doubted it. Because there would not be an it, there would not be crib shopping, or exitment when it was born. Because it would not be born and I knew that. Scientifically, it was too early in the pregnancy to feel anything. However, I could swear at that moment I felt the smallest little movement in my stomach. I cupped my hands over my stomach smiling. 

When I was a child, I'd loved to play pretend, right now I was pretending to be happy. As if this was a good thing and as if I was excited to have another child. I leaned my head against Jack's shoulder.

"So when should we schedule the abortion?" He asked in a monotone. I shrugged. I hoped I misscarried, because than I wouldn't blame myself. I had enough of that to do anyway.