Whispers of Hope ✓

CHAPTER 49

JOSHUA'S POV

"I missed you Ishita. My name never sounded really special when it's spoken by you." It took me all the strength and courage to speak my mind out to her. And even when her back was still facing me, I was still so scared of how she'd react—no, I'm already scared of how she's reacting now. She seemed to be drifting far more than I expected her to and I'm starting to hate myself more than I already did; the regret surging in once more. And I was more than flustered by her response;

"You're so selfish Joshua." She says still with her back on me. I kept my silence as I tried hard not to go and embrace her tight in my arms. I couldn't calm myself from what am currently feeling and any moment now, I might lose it and just do as how I think and feel I should.

"Why did you come here? How you are here and telling me you miss me like nothing ever happened? What happened to those two long years of nothingness? And now you're here casually telling me you miss me after ghosting me for a long time? Are you making fun of me now Joshua?" she's now facing me and all that mattered was her face looking straight at me.

I wasn't able to formulate what she told me coz I was so focused on her face; her eyes telling me stories clearly of how she struggled for the long years and how I've brought pain in her life like never before and it's already killing me the hundredth time.

"Why did you ever show up again? I tried so hard to forget you and I could've done and taken a step from doing so and now you suddenly show up? Joshua you know this is so unfair and I hate myself for feeling this way coz I missed you too but I just can't be missing you. I can't let myself miss you more than I already did! This is just so unfair!" and her tears flowed like recklessly like it was her first time to cry again for so long of stopping it and that was my call. My body moved on its own and I was already hugging her tight when I realized what my body did. She was struggling to set herself free as she started hitting me on my chest.

My tears started flowing itself. "You're such a jerk Joshua! How can you do this to me! I never expected you to have done such things to me!" she shouted in my chest and in between her cries. I hugged her tighter and that was all I could do because I couldn't bring myself to respond nor did I know what to respond to her; I just felt so stupid and I felt like the jerkiest of the jerks for making her feel this way. For hurting her and stabbing her with more pain when I am more than aware that she already suffered the worst pain in her life. But by her reaction, it seems like I was her worst pain in her life and I hated myself more for that one fact.

"This is just so unfair. I couldn't even bring myself to hate you to say I regretted meeting you because you know; of all people, you know how much my life changed the moment I met you. You were my everything and you were the last person I could reason myself out to not give up on my own life—but look what you've done." Her voice was calmer and slower yet her words became more painful. She was hurting so much and it was twice the pain I am feeling just by hearing her words and sobbing. She stopped struggling her way out so I hugged her even tighter as she rested her head on my chest seemingly tired of crying and struggling free.

I didn't say a word and waited for her to speak more. I needed her to speak her mind out because I for sure know that she has kept her own pain by herself all this time knowing how stubborn she could be. It was one of the things I feared, that she would just keep her hurting for herself and might do something really bad. And the moment I saw her, I knew she has been trying really hard to keep everything stable so seeing her cry out and shout her hatred on me, I was even more relieved she did. Until she softly pushed my chest away from her body; I let her so and looked down at her. She wasn't looking at me as she completely and silently freed herself from my embrace—and I felt crazily and craved even more of her now that I held her close to me again.