It's No Big Deal

Chapter 16

My life was incomplete. I have been living without Sebastian for almost a week now.

I couldn't go a second without him in my mind.

Right now, I'm cuddling with the puppy he got me, and starring at the ceiling.

I didn't feel like me. I felt... unusual. Something was missing. And I knew what it was. Who it was.

I have barely said a word to Isabel. I was never more mad at my sister than I have been lately.

I still cry every now and then.

I got up, and flipped through my calendar.

I knew today was special. Today was exactly a year since Sebastian and his mother moved in.

I ran back in bed, and cried so much.

"Logan, hun. You can't just stay in bed, crying until you die," mom sat beside me in bed.

"I hate her!" I sobbed into my pillow.

"You hate her now. Things will get better. I promise," mom rubbed my back.

"No they won't!"

"You have to have faith. Dinner's ready. Come down and eat. It'll be good for you."

"I'm not hungry," I murmured.

"Logan, please?"

"Not if I have to eat at the same table as Isabel."

"Isabel isn't home. She knew you wouldn't want her here so she went out with some friends. Now come on, the food's getting cold," mom explained.

"Can you please just bring it to me? I'm really not in the mood to get out again."

She nodded her head, but looked down. I could tell it hurt her seeing me like this.

"You only live once. Laying in bed mourning over Sebastian won't make you live longer. You're wasting your time. Have you tried calling or texting him?"

"He won't answer," I said sternly.

"It'll get better soon, I promise."

Mom hugged me, then walked to the door, stood there, turned around, and smiled softly at me, then opened the door and walked away.

I fell back onto my bed and covered myself in blankets. Before I knew it, I was sobbing again.

My life is miserable.

***

"Why are you ignoring her?"

"Isabel said I couldn't speak to her ever again and just leave to her alone," I replied.

"What'd you do to Logan anyways?"

"She was a victim of mine..."

"Oh lord, please don't tell me you raped her."

"I would never. I haven't even kissed her yet. I used to bully her. I found out she had cancer, which changed my life."

"Do you want to go back?"

"Never," I answered my mom after a few seconds of thinking.

My mom had a hurt look on her face. "I got a job opportunity. I can be a designer, like I've always wanted."

I smiled at her, then hugged her. "Congratulations, mom!"

"Thank you. One problem."

"Yeah...?"

"It's in New York..."

***

I didn't know what to do with my life anymore.

I felt useless. Unwanted. Depressed. Hurt. Angry. Upset.

Because of my sister, I was feeling all those emotions. My own sister ruined my life.

I don't know why, but I wanted to die. More than anything. I had no purpose of breathing anymore, and my leukemia is killing me slowly.

I'm laying in bed, way too weak to move.

What if I died tomorrow? What if I went to bed, never to wake up again? What if...

I killed myself?

I immediately shook my head. No, I shouldn't think of that. My time was soon coming to an end, so I didn't need to think of that.

The doctors are surprised I haven't died yet. Chemo didn't really help me much, according to them. But how would I still be alive if chemo didn't work much?

Maybe I was meant to be here? Maybe my cancer was leaving. Maybe I could be healthy and happy.

I started crying again. My head was hurting so badly from crying so much. It was surprising that I haven't drowned in my own tears yet.

My eyes hurt, I was too weak to move a muscle, and my head felt like someone was doing brain surgery on it with me awake.

I closed my extremely heavy eyes, and felt like I was floating. My whole world was still. It felt like the world wasn't going round anymore.

I felt...neutral. My pain was gone, yet I still felt nothing.

It feels like I'm a cloud. Up in the skies. A cloud...

______________________________________________

First time I updated this year...& it's March. I'm such a horrible person.

This is really short, but it's better than nothing I guess :/

I've been thinking about Sammy a lot lately. I'm soo sad you had to go, but you're in my heart forever & always. Never forget it.

I miss you Sammy.

Enjoy your day guys.

Sammy really would have appreciated what you guys do for her. Keep it up so she'll be able to see it from up in Heaven.

~Sara Gartner. :*