It's kinda felt like the colour got drained from my life. Nothing seems that bright and happy anymore. The funeral was yesterday. It made it all so much more real. I noticed I had a voicemail from her, from that night but I can't bring myself to listen to it, not right now. Serenity came back for the funeral, it was nice to know she flew back just to make sure I was okay and support me.
We just started the second semester of the year, all the midterms and tests are starting. I'm struggling but I just need to graduate, no matter what my score is. Kaitlyn got this job at a club, bartending on the weekends, told me I can get a job there too if I wanted to. I've put off cleaning out my moms room, too scared to go through her things. But I can't live in this house anymore, it holds too many memories.
I've felt so numb lately that I'm smoking weed a lot more than I used to. As soon as I wake up, I'll smoke, during the day and at nighttime. It's becoming a routine, a bad one.
It's 8pm right now, I just finished the important homework. Laying back on my bed, sighing. I reach into my pocket grabbing the joint i pre-rolled. Bringing it up to my lips. I grab the lighter and light it, inhaling the drug.
I open my phone and go to my texts with Serenity.
Your Serenity❤️
Y/n👩🏻❤️💋👩🏾
Hey, what are you doing rn?
Your Serenity❤️
Just laying in bed, you?
Y/n👩🏻❤️💋👩🏾
Wanna fuck around?
Your Serenity❤️
Call me then
————————————————————————————
I swipe out of the chat, calling her waiting for her to pick up. "Hey" she whispers. "Hey" i mutter, my voice raspy. "It'd be better if you were here" i mumble, taking another drag of the joint. "I wish I was" she whispered back, shyly.
Im laying awake in bed, staring at the ceiling, only light in the room is the lights from outside. I sigh grabbing my phone, deciding I've looked at the ceiling for long enough. I open my messages with Tara
Gremlin👹😍
Fatass🤩
Hey, are you awake?
Gremlin👹😍
Yeah, why? What's up?
Fatass🤩
Let's go for a drive?
Gremlin👹😍
You can't sleep, again?
Fatass🤩
Yep. See you in 15
————————————————————————————
I pull myself out of bed, throwing a hoodie on over my sports bra. I put on my slippers and head out, grabbing my keys before locking the door. I connect my phone to my car, turning my music up before pulling out and heading to get Tara.
When I pick her up, she comes shuffling out in one of my hoodies, it pooling around her small frame. I smile lightly at the sight. She's pretty cute. She gets in the car, "hey" she whispers, shaking slightly from the cold. "Here" I mumble, turning the heaters on for her, pulling out of the driveway and off to who knows where.
"You hungry?" I ask, looking between her and the road. "A little bit. Are you?" She mumbles, looking out the windows. "A little" i say, looking for the closest thing for us to get. We stop off at Taco Bell, getting some food before going off to find somewhere we can park. I pull into this abandoned parking lot, parking the car and killing the power. "Here's your food" she says, handing me my stuff. We sit in silence eating, enjoying each others company.
"You got a bit of sauce on your lip" i say, smiling as she fails to get it. "Here" I mumble, bringing my thumb over, swiping along her lip to get the sauce. Her cheeks flush red, "Thankyou" she whispers shyly looking down. "I'm sorry for us being out so late" I say into the quiet. "I'll always come out with you, no matter the time." She admits, looking deeply into my y/e/c eyes. "You look drained, do you want me to stay over tonight? We can cuddle" she says wiggling her eyebrows, smiling. "Well what are we waiting for? Let's go" I say with a smile, turning the car back on and heading home.
"Thankyou for always being with me and helping me" i mumble into her shoulder, kissing it lovingly. "Always, my love" she says, leaning back slightly to run her hand through my hair. I feel myself drifting off into a deep sleep, holding Tara close. During the night, I wake up, not feeling tired anymore I get up and decide to go down to the den. I never mentioned it cause that's where we kept all our instruments. It was like mom and I's little hide out, you know?. I drag myself downstairs and sit down on the chair with a guitar, thankful for soundproofing. I sigh deeply, starting to strum it. Feeling the words flow easily out of me.
(I wish- Reneé Rapp)
"I was ten years old when I realized
Some goodbyes are forever
So, what's that mean for you and I?
Thought we'd always be together
How can the person who taught me to breathe
Take their last breath right in front of me?
I know too much now
I wish I could still see the world through those eyes
Could still see the colors, but they're not as clear or as bright
Oh, the older we get, the colors they change
Yeah, hair turns to grey but the blue's here to stay
So I wish, I wish
I remember seeing my dad cry
For the first time, we were downstairs
Talkin' 'bout how his dad died
And how he wished he could've been there
He said "How could the person who taught me to breathe
Take their last breath not in front of me?"
I know too much now
I wish I could still see the world through those eyes
I still see the colors, but they're not as clear or as bright
Oh, the older we get, the colors they change
Yeah, hair turns to grey but the blue stays the same
Oh I wish, I wish
Stay a little longer
I'm not ready for you to go
It hasn't even happened
But I have been mourning since ten years old
Stay a little longer
I wish I could still see the world through those eyes
Could still see the colors, but they're not as clear or as bright
Oh, the older we get, the colors they change
Yeah, hair turns to grey but the blue's here to stay
So I wish, I wish"
"Y/n wake up, we got school" I hear Tara mumble, pushing me slightly. "No, let's just stay here" i mutter, pulling her closer. "Y/n" she warns. I open one eye slightly "please?" I ask, trying to keep my eye open as I look at her. "Fine" she mutters, calling and telling Sam. Falling backing asleep while she talks.
